Never Letting Go - Mr_Potato_25 (2024)

Chapter 1: The Years Pass Quickly

Chapter Text

June 2038: Jackson

Large wooden beams and strings upon strings of twinkling fairy lights created the most homely of backdrops as their gentle golden glow warmed the already heated space just that little bit more. The humidity going ignored as groups danced and drank and chattered away. It once seemed a peculiar thing to Joel, that wholesome community gatherings such as these still took place on this god forbidden planet he called home... It was worlds apart from the dingy, drugged up dive bars that would get raided by FEDRA at least once a week that he had come to reside in during his time in the Boston QZ. He could almost taste the thick ghastly smog of chain smoked cigarettes as he reminisced... was reminiscing even the correct word for it? Those bleak, near painful memories seemed like almost a life time ago now... Now that he was stood by an actual functioning bar in the mess hall, with his gorgeous wife of thirteen years on his arm, surrounded by friends and family alike, his eldest daughter across the room occupied with her own little family and his youngest blending in somewhere within the crowds. Never in a million years would he have ever thought himself to be at the near centre of one of these parties when he arrived at Jackson's gates fifteen years ago...

He lost himself for a moment. His eyes simply soaking in his surroundings; the smiles, the laughter, the carefreeness. It all felt so...whole. He felt so whole. After so many years of residing himself to the fact that it all meant nothing, that his existence was nothing more than a mere unwanted anomaly- a mistake, it felt good to actually want to live again. In fact, he had found himself wanting to live for the past almost sixteen years... From the very day that bratty little fourteen year old girl, his eldest, came into his care and a little bit more each and every day after that pivotal moment. His desire to live each of his remaining moments to the fullest only intensifying since the events that took place in Seattle. It seemed almost insane that he was rapidly approaching the nine year anniversary of that gut wrenching night in which his youngest was taken... from the day he so almost lost his life. The fingers of his left hand subconsciously carding through the thick locks of hair on his scalp, pads tracing over the permanently raised scar that lay hidden beneath.

He found his stupor broken as Ava shifted beside him, her head rolling into his shoulder as she gazed up at him. The same stunning caramel brown eyes that glistened beneath the twinkle of lights, albeit being framed by a few more fine lines and her crown now adorned with just a couple of stray greys- not that he would ever mention either to her. Even as she aged, it was graceful... still looking far younger than her forty six years and still just as beautiful as the evening he first set eyes on her some fourteen years ago...

His focus softened beneath hooded lids, absorbing the warm adoring smile across her lips. Her voice no more than a gush as she spoke, "Can you believe that we have a twelve year old?"

His own lips tugged into a curve, his mind carrying him back to the very moment he burst through the infirmary door after almost becoming lunch for a rather agitated bloater. The image of relief settling onto Ava's face as he approached her bedside to take her hand and help coach her through the last remaining stages of her labour. The feel of that perfect warm little weight being dropped into his arms for the first time and the sound of her tiny cries... "Feels like only yesterday we were both crammed on that single hospital bed, her in your arms n' us bickerin' over baby names..."

She chuckled at that, her smile still there but fading vacant as her attention went out to the sea of people before them, fishing out for that not so little life that they both somehow managed to miraculously bring into the world, "It seems surreal..."

"Yeah... it does." Joel pressed a kiss to the top of her head, his right arm squeezing around her slim waist just that little bit tighter, "You've done real good, mama..."

Ava breathed him in, her body nestling against his side just that bit more before correcting him, "We've done real good. We raised her together... me and you."

He smiled, his nose nuzzling into the soft hair of her temple, "Mm. Always me n' you, darlin'...Always..."

His eyes glanced up then, his lips still pressed to top of her cheekbone whilst he sought out his brother who stood at the side lines. A pang of guilt hitting him as he appreciated all that he had found for himself in this small sliver of heaven... all whilst Tommy lost everything that he built over the past nine years. His physical capacity, his mental wellbeing, his wife, his friends... even his own kids were somewhat distant. He had always thought Maria's decision to end her and his brothers marriage to be uncalled for. He'd have done the exact same thing if it had been Tommy bludgeoned half to death instead of himself... he too would have been blinded by rage and sought out revenge with the belief that his Ava would be at home waiting on his return. Upset that he'd ventured off, yes but knowing that he'd still have a home, wife and kid full of love to return to... but perhaps his little brothers marriage wasn't as picture perfect as it seemed in the first place...

What Joel could never ever understand however, was why on New Year's Eve 2030, Tommy decided to take Maddy home to f*ck in his bed; ultimately obliterating the reconciliation he was working towards with Maria and also in turn destroying his friendship with Rich... Just when he'd thought his baby brother had outgrown his tendency to make stupid decisions... Brainless bastard...

Tommy offered Joel a tight lipped smile as they caught each others eye. He was a bloody idiot... but he'd always love his little brother. He was the only reason he was even accepted into this little town in the first place, after all.

His attention diverted back down to his wife as she tipped her head back to look up at him once again, that loving glow to her expression being enough in itself to lure him into pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

"Mom! Dad!" Lily skipped up to them, her waist length loose ringlets bouncing behind her before she hopped to a stop, lip curling into something akin to disgust, "Ew. You both make me want to vomit. Please stop."

"You'll be gross and in love one day too, sweet pea... and I'll be standing right there to tell you how much it makes me want to throw up." Ava teased, arms still encased around her husbands middle.

The preteen groaned with a roll of the eyes, "Urghh...so embarrassin'."

"Your father's from Texas, you are not. Pronounce your words properly, Lollipop." A taunting glint to the mothers eye.

"Mooom, stop."

Joel snorted amusedly at the interaction before entertaining the reason why his youngest had so eagerly bounced towards them, "What d'ya need, kiddo?"

The girls eyes grew large then, her lips almost pouting as she held her hands behind her back, "Daddy... Y'know it's my birthday..."

"No. I already don't like where this is goin'..."

"Please. Just hear me out!"

He sighed, "Go on..."

"Well, you know I'm twelve now... and that's basically a teenager, right?"

"Not really."

"Well... I was hoping that you might say yes, if I ask to go to a sleep over?" The end of her question pitching into a large toothy grin.

He didn't even waste a second to breathe. The answer was simple, "No."

"But...but..."

"No. Not happenin'." That was always the rule. Ever since the chaos that ensued with Sophie, resulting in her being abducted and the event of his almost succeeded murder, both him and Ava promised themselves that they wouldn't trust anyone outside of family (or those who had become, albeit the lack of true blood) but with the passing of Marlon and Flo in more recent years and with Tommy in decline, that little trusted circle had well and truly dwindled.

"I haven't even told you who with yet!" She argued, arms folded across her chest, "I bet you let Ellie have sleep overs..."

"She was older than you..." And I didn't understand the dangers back then... The latter part left unspoken.

"But it's just Liv! I swear I can remember sleeping round theirs a couple of times when I was a kid."

"You still are a kid." He grumbled...

Ava spoke up then, a very discreet nudge poked just beneath his ribs, "So you'd be staying with Maria?"

"Yeah."

"And Maria will be there. The whole time?"

"Yes, Mom. The whole time."

The two parents shared a look. Maria was on that list of trusted people... She had been the one who looked after Lily for those hours when Ava would sit hopelessly at Joel's bedside whilst in the infirmary... She'd had her on a small handful of occasions after that point as well but as her relationship with Tommy continued to deteriorate, it became less and less with Joel feeling almost uncomfortable in relying on his ex-sister-in-law. It was mainly Marlon and Flo that baby sat on the very odd occasion they needed it from that point onward. But nonetheless, this was Maria and Maria could always be trusted with their most precious possession...

Joel ground his teeth in contemplation.

That cheesy pleading smile breaking out across the child's face, "Pleeeeaaase. Liv was practically begging me to stay over!"

He arched a brow, "Does Maria even know about this? Or this somethin' the two of ya have decided amongst yourselves?"

It was almost on cue as Maria emerged from within the crowd, with Olivia in tow, "It's okay, Liv asked me yesterday. Although..." she trailed off, offering a pointed look to her own eleven year old daughter, "I said I would speak to you both first."

The slightly younger child shifted sheepishly behind her mothers legs whilst Maria glanced between Ava and Joel calmly, "Charley's staying with Tommy tonight and so I'm a child down. Would you be happy for Lily to stay over after things wrap up here?"

"C'mon, Dad. It's my birthday... pleeeaaase?" Lily pleaded whilst sporting her best attempt at puppy dog eyes.

He ground his teeth, head shifting to catch Ava's thoughts on the matter, who simply pulled her lips into a tight line and shrugged.

Joel sighed, his attention falling back onto his little girl, "Well, alright. Fine.... But I'm layin' down rules."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" The twelve year old all but bouncing on the spot.

"No bein' a brat."

"Uh-huh."

"Meanin' that I don't wanna hear that you've been givin' any back chat or pissin' about n' when Maria tells you to go t'bed, ya listen."

He couldn't be sure if she had actually listened to a damn word he said as he watched her clutch ahold of her cousins arm and skip away, sparing her parents a quick glance over her shoulder and calling back her apparent understanding, "Yep, yep. Got it!"

Another deep sigh rumbled through his chest whilst shaking his head with a mutter, "She ain't heard a damn thing I just said..."

Ava chuckled softly beside him, following her daughters movements with her eyes, "Not a single word of it..."

"Well, I run a tight ship. I'll keep an eye on her." Maria assured with a tight lipped smile before her brows furrowed ever so slightly, "Are...are her night terrors still a factor to consider?"

Her eyes snapped back to the other woman, a sudden heavier feeling drowning her as she clutched onto Joel that little bit tighter, "They still happen every now and again... but not as frequent as they were. A warm drink and breathing exercises are usually enough to calm her down..." And the way I cradle her in my arms, running my fingers through her hair and hush reassurances into her ear..."But... please still come and get us if she does and if she wants to come home at any point, that's fine, just bring her straight back."

Maria simply nodded, her tight lip loosening into a warmer smile, "Any issues, I'll let you both know. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

Joel could feel the way in which his wife hugged herself into his middle that little bit more as Maria disappeared back into the crowd, a large palm rising to cup the back of her head to him, "She'll be fine. All this'll tucker her out like it usually does and she'll be knocked out 'til mornin’..."

"Hmm, I guess... I just hate not having her with us..."

"I know, Darlin'. Maria's safe though n' it's only 'til mornin'."

She shifted then, gazing up at him with a certain glint in her eye, "A whole night to ourselves... what ever will we do?"

He couldn't help but grin, almost mischievously whilst pressing a kiss to her temple and muttering quietly into her ear, "Mmm, I can certainly think of a few things..."

——————————————————————

The noise emitted from her sweet lips was almost p*rnographic as her head rolled back into the pillow, her arched back heaving her tit* towards the ceiling, "Mmm... Joel..."

He could feel her clenching down around him, her saturated walls pulsating around the length of him that was buried deep inside her. There was nowhere he felt more at peace than when he was this close to her, reaching for her pleasure and bringing it to the forefront. Nothing felt better, it was simply exquisite. "That feelin' good for you, baby?"

All breathless and tight she nodded, "So good...sh*t...Always feel so good..."

His lover. His wife. The centre of his world. "It's 'cause you were meant f'me."

"And you for me..."

He pressed into her again, hard and deliberate with a groan leaving his own lips whilst he withdrew languidly only to repeat the motion. Grinding his pelvis into hers to ensure he stuffed every last centimetre of himself into her, waiting for that little full whimper to escape her before pulling back once more.

"Joel..." Her moan a wanton mess as her fingers clasped and entangled into the outgrown curls on the back of his head, "Mmm... f*ck... right- right there!"

He could hear it - even with his bad ear, the wet squelch that sounded with each thrust he implemented. Knowing exactly the spot he'd managed to reach, a satisfied smirk tugged at his mouth as his tip dragged against that unbearably soft spongy place beneath her cervix, whilst his base deliberately brushed against her cl*t. She was so f*cking close and there was no way he was going to survive it.

His hips snapped that bit more forcefully, the headboard rocking into wall with each squeak of the bed frame and he could feel himself beginning to falter. A thin layer of perspiration forming clammy across his skin just at the sight of her breasts bouncing with each of his movements and f*ck, she was gorgeous and all his and had been just his for such a long time... and... and ... and...

"f*ck!" She cried out, her body lurching forward with the intensity of her high, just for him to catch her.

It was impossible to last, darn impossible to even have a coherent thought as she gripped down on him. That perfect puss* contracting and pulsing with such an alluring heat- He'd never even once thought of any other woman in that way after he laid with his Ava for the first time over fourteen years ago. No-one else alive would be capable of providing him with the same euphoria, no-one else could possibly pull the pleasure from him quite like her. There was not one woman out there that would ever compare or even come close. She was his and he was hers and that was exactly how it was supposed to be.

He laid her back down, each breath a panting challenge whilst continuing to drive into her, his heart hammering so hard that his own pulse thrummed into his ears, "That's it baby... That's my girl... That's- f*ck..."

All self control slowly being lost in the moment as his head rolled between his shoulders, hips stuttering before stilling completely to the sound of her unholy whispers shushed into the shell of his ear, "Joel... come for me, honey. Let me feel you..."

He'd do whatever she wanted in that moment without a single argument or second thought. The build up and pressure all being released as he allowed the delectable sensation to take over, her fingers carding through his hair as she pressed her soft heavenly lips to his whilst he groaned the pleasures of his climax into her mouth. His length throbbing and twitching as he expelled every last drop into her; into the one place it always belonged.

Breathless and spent he collapsed down onto her, enjoying the gentle feeling of her soothing digits massaging his scalp. He barely had the energy to lift his blissed out mind from the crook of her neck as he heard the elated giggle that fluttered through her lips, "I've missed this... you have no idea how much..."

Joel smirked, rolling his face to the side, just enough to peer up at her. The subtle flush to her cheeks, the pink puffiness of her plump lips and the slightly disheveled look to her messy brunette shoulder length hair- she was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on... "Mmm, think I have a pretty good idea..."

Leaning up to press one final yet soft kiss to her jaw, he pulled himself from within her, rolling onto his side only to drag her into his chest before collapsing a limp arm over her waist, "M'gettin' too old for this..."

Ava scoffed, "Bullsh*t."

"Never said I'd stop though, did I?" He grinned. The arm resting beneath her form squeezing her into him.

"You better not."

"Baby, I'll continue to f*ck you this good until the day I die... Jus' need a little more time for recovery, s'all." His cheek resting against her temple as his fingers delicately strummed down her exposed ribs, counting each individual groove as his touch trailed.

His brows knitted together as he repeated the action over and over, each bone traced hard and pronounced against his touch. Her ribs never used to be this easy to feel... He'd noticed that she'd lost some weight in the recent months but it was only now as he counted each individual rib with the pads of his fingers, whilst entangling her body with his own that he could truly appreciate how slight she had become... It didn't sit right.

She must have felt the shift in his demeanour... perhaps he tensed or- he didn't know but she sensed something was on his mind.

Twisting in his arms, the backs of her knuckles grazed over his cheek, "What's on your mind, my love?"

His eyes softened, as they quite often did when she was that close and so intimate but the warmth of his eyes refused to translate into a smile across his lips. Instead, he covered her hand with his own, holding it into place, "You know I ain't one to comment on a woman's body- was raised better than that... but... Darlin', you're gettin' awfully thin."

Ava sighed, "Joel..."

"I'm concerned."

She smiled sweetly, "I can tell... I guess I've just been more active and eating healthier..."

"Me n' you pretty much eat the exact same thing in a day n' I ain't lost all this weight." He counteracted.

Her smile faltered for a second, a tenderness still present to her expression, "You didn't have Flo force feeding you chocolate cake for over twelve years...God I miss them..."

It had hit them like a freight train when Marlon suddenly passed two years prior, a heart attack, apparently. He took a small part of their hearts with him as he went. At least it was quick for him... Flo struggled without him, passing on herself just little prior to eighteen months after. The death of a loved one never became any easier but the fond memories certainly helped ease the pain a little.

Joel snorted. The novelty of cake soon wore off for him... the same couldn't have been said for his wife and daughter, "Yeah well...just go careful..."

The room echoed a content silence for a few moments as they rested within one another's embrace. Joel's fingers mindlessly traced over the scars of her stomach, an additional one added to her small collection in more recent years. A contemplative breath of air from Ava's lips broke the soundlessness, "I still can't wrap my head around it... She's twelve years old, Joel... how the hell did that happen so quickly?"

A smile tugged to his lips as he pressed them to her hair, "She's growin' up, that's for sure..."

"I miss my little baby..." She paused for a second, a slight chuckle escaping her. "Can you remember when she was about two... when Ellie had taught her that sticking your middle finger up and saying 'f*ck you' was the equivalent of telling someone you love them?"

"How could I forget?" An amused shake to his head as he cast his mind back to those few years where Ellie had removed him from her life, "The little sh*t did that just to spite me, Y'know..."

It was a full laugh that escaped her this time, "It was funny though. Your face when she came bumbling up to you with her middle finger sky high, proudly singing 'f*ck you' from the top of her lungs."

He was unable to stifle back the chuckle as the memory came back to him as clear as day, "Yeah. It was..."

The silence returned for just a beat as Ava became acutely aware of the one particular scar that Joel's thumb delicately grazed over. Something more solemn casting down over her, "I...I wish we..."

They both knew they shouldn't have, they had been warned countless times after Lily and even once before that it would be a bad idea. They had even told each other out loud on many occasions that they wouldn't, that having just Lily was more than enough... but after Seattle, after Joel recovered enough to return to work and after almost losing everything and each other, they just wanted something to look forward to. Something to drown out the pain... They tried for months, then the months gradually turned into a year and then more than that. Each time, that little plastic stick would come back pale and negative until it didn't... It almost felt like a dream come true- one to only be ripped away from them within just days after. She hadn't even made it to the infirmary for that first check up when an agonising pain ripped through her lower abdomen. A pain so intense that it buckled her legs and brought her down to her knees. An ectopic pregnancy it turned out to be... One that would never have been viable... One that ruptured her remaining healthy fallopian tube and almost killed her in the process. It was as if fate had gotten fed up of both of their stupidity and so it removed the temptation completely. They'd never conceive another child...

His hand froze then, realising where he had wandered before allowing his arm to fully snake around her waist in order to tug her in close, "I know, baby... It just wasn't in our cards..."

"I'm sorry..." She whispered.

"The hell you sorry for?"

"Well... It's not exactly you that can't ..."

"No. Stop. You didn't ask for any of this..." His voice firm but his touch soft as he carefully pulled her to face him.

Ava swallowed thickly, "I know... but-"

Joel was quick to cut her off, palm cupping her jaw as his thumb brushed her cheekbone, "Hey, look at me. We ain't doin' this, Ave. I'd take you and what we've got a million times over, without question..."

He could feel her melt into his touch, her contrite expression mellowing once more, "I love you..."

A delicately tender kiss pressed to her lips, "N' I love you..."

———————————————————————

The following day...

"Ells?" Ava called out from her spot on the step ladder, slowly unwinding the string of fairy lights from the column they wound around.

Ellie pulled back the collar of eight year old JJ's shirt, preventing him from tripping over his own feet as he went to race by her to catch up to Lily and Liv, "Watch it, kid. I promised to give you back to your mom in one piece..." before glancing up to where Ava stood, "Yeah?"

"Can you pass me the sack... or just leave it open by the bottom step so I can just drop it all in?"

"One sec, let me just grab it." Wandering over to the shelf that Maria was stood by, she reached over to retrieve the requested sac before pacing over to the step ladder to drop it beside on the floorboards, "There."

Ava heaved the awkward armful of tangled lights around to her right before dropping them with a huff into the sack below, her head feeling all of a sudden light as she released the weight. Her legs slowly descending from the ladder she stood upon, stumbling back as her feet hit the floor and having to use Ellie as a stabiliser to keep her balance.

The secret dizzy spells that began as a rare occurrence had frequented to now become almost a daily incident... Not that she'd told anyone...

"Woah, you good?" The younger woman queried with a concerned arch of the brow. Her hands braced onto her shoulders.

Ava's eyes scrunched closed, her head nodding as she swallowed down the sudden nausea and haziness, "Mhmm. Fine..."

"You don't look it... You've gone like, grey."

She wiped the sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand, "It's just hot today and I've probably not had enough water. I'm okay, I promise."

She noticed the way that Ellie looked at her, how it was remarkably unconvinced, "Don't go keeling over on me, Ave. I can't deal with Joel alone like I used to."

"The reason you can't deal with him alone is because you are exactly the same as him." She found herself snorting in an attempt to mask the discomfort she was in.

"Huh."

"See, right there. You sounded just like him!"

"Shut up." Ellie smirked, "Where is the old f*cker, anyway?"

Ava braced herself against the step ladder, "Out on patrol. Route one I think he said..."

"I reckon he just wanted to get out of party clean up..."

"Probably."

"Is he ever going to retire?"

She managed to scoff at that, "Don't be ridiculous. I don't think that man will ever retire. Someone would have to saw off his legs before he'd even consider it."

Ellie grinned, "Should we tackle one leg each?"

And then a laugh escaped, "Mm... and then chain him to the bed."

"Still don't wanna know what you both get up to in your own time..."

Ava shook her head, the movement making her vision shudder. She blinked the sensation away with a huff, "Twenty-nine years old and your mind is still in the gutter."

The younger woman scoffed, "I lived with you, might I remind you. You both spent every second that I had my back turned in the gutter."

The forty six year old wafted her hand into the air, "Anyway, moving the topic swiftly on. Did Joel speak to you about July forth?"

"Ah, yeah. He did. I'll be there."

She pinched her brow, trying to breathe through the ringing in her ears as she felt her skin begin to clam up, "...and...uh... Will Dina and little one be joining?"

"I dunno yet. Maybe..." Ellie quizzed a concerned brow once more, "Ave, you sure you're okay?"

Ava quickly glanced over to where Lily was occupied playing with her cousin and pseudo nephew before facing back to the young woman, "Yeah, I already said. I-I just need to sit down a second... god, it's warm down here. Don't you think?"

She lowered herself onto the steps, heart hammering for seemingly no reason whilst ignoring the alarmed look Ellie gave her, "So um, things going better between you two?"

A subtle smile almost pulled across Ellie's cheeks. Her and Dina's relationship had been rocky from the start, the events of Seattle taking place so early on in their budding romance that it was enough to tear it apart completely not long after she returned for the second time, loaded with a heap of mental health issues and two missing fingers. It had been on and off since then... unable to fully give herself to the woman of her dreams due to the heavy pains that burdened her... but this time felt different. It felt lighter. She was able to overcome some of her emotional barriers and give herself in ways she hadn't been able to previously. So yeah... this time, at that moment, things were going well. "Yeah... They are. I-I think I've grown and it's made things... easier..."

The older woman smiled, the discomfort of her being causing it to falter to something weak, "That's good... You've always looked good together. Been routing for you both for a long time..."

Ellie's smile almost turned bashful, "Erm... Thanks..."

Ava sucked in a deep breath with a nod before slapping her thighs and making an attempt to stand once more, "Well, this place isn't going to clear itself up. C'mon, let's get it finished."

It hit her like a tidal wave as her legs straightened and mind dropped weightless. Her vision vignetted and tunnelling rapidly as the last of the light began to pixilate. Her ears rang loudly as she stumbled back, the step ladder clattering to the ground as she toppled into and then down beside it. Her daughters shriek being the last sound she consciously heard.

"Mom!"

———————————————————————

Joel heaved the heavy leather of the saddle onto its retrospective rack, ensuring the stirrups were crossed over the pommel and then hanging his bridle on the hook beneath. Harry, his patrol partner for the day joining his side to replicate the same action but with his own tack.

"Nice shot out there today, somethin' satisfyin' about watchin' them drop like that."

"Learned from the best, boss." The younger man winked.

He snorted, the comment still stroking his ego ever so slightly, "Ain't been your boss for nine years now, kid."

Harry scoffed, "and I ain't been a kid for the past eleven- yet here we still are."

Joel shrugged, "touché."

"Don't fancy comin' back as head?"

He shook his head, fingers subconsciously raking through his now mostly greyed hair and running over the scar on his scalp, "Nah. M'too f*ckin' old for that sh*t now... like havin' the extra time to spend with the misses and my kid as well."

The younger man rolled his head from side to side as if he was weighing up the decision, "Fairs. Still think you were the best... Jesse tried to copy you- reckon he would've done a good job too. God bless 'im and rest his soul. Ciaran on the other hand- f*ck me. Ain't a patch on you."

It had taken a lot of self restraint to get used to the ways that Ciaran ran things. It wasn't that it was wrong so to say but he knew that his way of things were more efficient- more foolproof. But still, after being told he'd be removed from the rota altogether, he learned to bite his tongue, "Don't tell 'im that. He'll throw a bitch fit..."

"How old are you now anyway?" Harry questioned beneath low brows.

Joel shrugged once more, shifting past the other man and out of the tack room to be followed, "Sixty three..."

"sh*t... well, the worlds been kind to ya in that respect. Don't look that old..."

He certainly felt it…He shook his head as he exited the barn, about to quip back with something along the lines of: Flattered, but the thought was hastily squandered by the panicked shouts of his daughter quickly approaching that grabbed his full attention.

"Dad! Dad!"

Lily's eyes were wide with fear. A mixture of both stress and anxiety exuded from within her as she all but sprinted up towards him, wrapping her arms around his middle and burying her face into the front of his shirt.

His brows furrowed, peeling the child back by the shoulders to get a proper look at her, "The hells goin' on, baby girl? Why ya all in a state?"

Her bottom lip quivered whilst her voice choked on her words, "It-it-it's Mom! She's in the infirmary!"

Chapter 2: Why Her?

Chapter Text

He could feel his stomach drop, that gut wrenching twist. It forming into an uncomfortable knot just at the notion of something happening to one of his girls whilst he hadn't been there. His face fell taut before his brows pinched with concern, palms tightening their grip on his daughters shoulders whilst he searched her eyes for any further details, "What d'ya mean, Lil? Why's your Mom in the infirmary? What happened?"

Joel could see her pupils glossing over, her stubbornness to not show weakness forcing her to wipe the backs of her hands across her eyes whilst she sniffled some composure. Her voice still sounding ever so slightly teary amongst the panic as her head shook, "I don't know. W-we went to the mess hall after the sleepover to clear up and- and I was with Liv and JJ and Mom met us there with Ellie and then her and Mom were chattin' and- and-and-"

Her little chest hammering so hard that it caused her to choke on her words.

His grip on her didn't loosen as he did his utmost to ground her, the furrow in his brow raising with encouragement even with his own chest constricting, "Lils, take a breath will ya."

Lily nodded frantically, eyes still wide whilst sucking in a deep breath.

"That's it, good. Now what happened?"

"Sh-she just collapsed. Mom was chattin' with Ellie and then she just fell. She didn't get up, dad. It-it was like she just fell asleep and couldn't hear us... and then-"

He cut in, "She in the infirmary still now, yeah?"

Her eyes fluttered with her nose scrunching, "I-I think so... I don't know... I-I panicked and ran to try and find you."

"Does anyone know where you are?"

"No... I-I just ran. M'sorry..."

Joel heaved a sigh. It had been a common theme with his youngest daughter- ever since she was just three years old and witnessed what she had... It seemed to be a subconscious core memory rather than a vivid one, she hadn't once mentioned what she saw happen to her Father and so both parents deemed it safe to assume that those dire weeks had been blocked from her precious mind. They hadn't ever once discussed those few weeks with her, not even the fact that she had once been abducted as a toddler and never had she given any indication to having any recollection over what had happened. Yet, whenever she'd become spooked, it was like her mind went into flight mode, blinded by the fear. However, her mindless bolting was never aimless- It was always in search of him... and she'd tear the damn town apart until she found her father. He could remember so clearly the first time it happened whilst he was out on patrol, arriving back to find a six year old Lily with tear stricken cheeks, all curled up and passed out within the straw bed of his horses stall. Ava had been frantic when he delivered her back, thankfully it had only happened the hour before.

He tugged at his daughters shoulder, encouraging her to follow. "Right. C'mon, let's go."

He'd never moved towards the infirmary so fast in his life... bar Lily's birth, of course. Harry's voice becoming a distant muffle behind him as his senses tuned out of everything that he didn't deem as an importance to the current situation. Lily having to jog her spindly legs just in order to keep up with his walking pace.

His mind raced through a multitude of scenarios as he b-lined towards his wife. Rattling through all of the possibilities of why she would just collapse. It was hot out, had she drank enough? But she'd never collapsed like this before and she always had a glass or bottle of water to hand... Had she eaten before left the house? She had lost a sh*t ton of weight in recent months- was she purposely starving herself? Is this what it was? He'd always see her eat whilst he was at home but what about all the times he was not? Or...or what if the doctors had again got it wrong? They hadn't exactly been careful over the years... what if it miraculously took? What if... He shook his head from the thought as he pushed through the double doors at the front of the building, shoving them open wide enough for Lily to slip through behind him.

There were a few people dotted around the waiting area with various degrees of ailments; one older man holding his head within his palms, another younger one sat with a make shift splint attached to his arm and then an elderly woman who proceeded to cough and splutter her guts up in the centre of the room, the hacking noise gargled with phlegm echoing off the walls. Joel steered Lily to the left, guiding her as far away from the sickly woman as physically possible to avoid them the risk of catching whatever the f*ck it was she had.

A single nurse sat behind the front desk with one of those welcoming smiles. He'd recognised her from his many visits before. Claire Edgeworth, her name, if he recalled correctly. It didn't matter either way, he had no plans to refer to the woman by name today, "Think my wife's in here somewhere... Ava Miller? You seen her?"

The woman's smile didn't falter- a good sign, at least at the moment, he thought. His arms folded stiffly across his chest, not to come across in an intentional intimidating manner, although it most likely did anyway but done in an act of self comfort.

"Uhh... Yes. We have her out back. Here, follow me."

Lily grasped ahold of her fathers forearm, her fingers nervously clasping around his tricep as they walked, tensed nails anxiously clawing into his flesh. He found himself softening for a moment upon feeling her wound up tension and the sting of her hold, some of his own trepidation easing a little now that he was here within arms reach and that there were no telling signs of any tragic news being announced to him any time soon. He offered Lily a tug of the lip as his hand came to rest over the one that clutched a hold on him, a gentle squeeze given in the attempts of reassurance.

Nurse Edgeworth paused outside of the door on the far end of the corridor, her knuckles rapping a light knock on the oakwood partition before turning to face to two anxious family members, "She's just in here."

She stepped aside allowing them both through but before his second foot had even fully landed within the space, Ellie had already jumped on him.

"Your kid's f*cking quick, man. I'm sorry, I had JJ with me and she bolted before I had chance to grab her. f*ck knows where she's run off too. Look, now you're here and Dina's picked JJ up, I'll go and-"

Joel raised a single hand to interject, all whilst trying to peer around his eldest kids rambling form to catch a glimpse of his wife. She was seemingly conscious, sat up and quietly staring directly at him. He glanced back to Ellie, his expression hard to read before providing a small nod, "S'good, I've got her here with me."

Lily shifted sheepishly from where she had hidden herself behind her fathers broad frame, catching Ellie's eye guiltily only for it to be returned by a look that could only be read as: I love you but you're a pain in the f*cking ass, kid.

The older sibling heaved a sigh, running the two remaining fingers on her left hand through her cropped auburn locks before then glancing down at the bracelet decorating her wrist, "Well, since Mrs 'I'm fine' over there," swinging her thumb over her shoulder in Ava's general direction, "has joined us all back into the world of the living, I'm gonna duck out and head off, if that's good? I was meant to be having JJ all day so Dina could deep clean the house..."

His demeanour relaxed by just a fraction, agreeing with his eyes as his arm came to rest around Lily's shoulders, "Yeah, sure. Go n' get back to your kid, I've got it from here."

"Still on for a movie night on Thursday?"

"Yeah, still on for movie night. Lils has picked out Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. Ain't that right, kiddo?"

She nodded, focus trained onto her mother who smiled weakly back.

Ellie grinned down at the child who had been raised as her younger sibling, "Oh, a classic. Good choice, Goblin."

Lily narrowed her eyes whilst flashing her middle finger up towards her big sister.

"Now that's rude." Ellie tormented, a brow arched in challenge.

The grin on the preteens face was somewhat incredulous as she quipped back, "It means I love you, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. You little sh*t."

"Right, that's enough." Joel cut in, a stern look pointed down at his youngest before readdressing the other, "Bring JJ along if ya want n' Dina too, can make room for 'em."

"Yeah I might... Thanks, Joel. I'll catch you soon," she glanced down towards Lily, "and you Goblin, now go and look after your Mom!" Before then calling back to Ava, "Hope you're feeling better soon!"

As soon as Ellie's feet left the room, Lily all but leapt to Ava's bedside. The concern and worry breaking out once more across her pinched expression, "Mom?"

Ava smiled almost culpably, the skin of her face still paled and ashen, "It's okay, baby. Come here."

The young girl heeding instantly to climb upon the hospital bed and cuddle up into her mothers side, "Are you okay? W-why did that happen?"

Her smile faltered ever so slightly, gently beginning to brush her fingers through the child's long brunette curls, "I'm okay, sweetheart... it's just one of those things that happens sometimes. There could be lots of reasons why." She paused for a beat, pressing her lips to her daughter's forehead, "I'm sorry for scaring you..."

Lily shook her head adamantly, unable to admit to the fact that witnessing her mother in such a vulnerable condition had actually terrified her, "I wasn't scared... just- just worried..."

Ava sighed quietly, her eyes resting shut for just a few seconds, "You ran off again, baby... I thought we spoke about this last time?"

"I-I was worried and-and I needed to find Dad because...because..." She never really understood why her immediate driving instinct was to always run to her father. Alongside the unexplained and gruesome night terrors that always resulted in her brutally losing a parent, it was an intuition that ran deep in her blood. If Dad was there, then it meant she was safe. If Dad was there, then everything would be okay...

"I know, I know..." The mother cooed reassuringly, caressing the little girls face so tenderly. She glanced up towards Joel, them both sharing a pained look, "but sometimes your father isn't in town, is he?"

Lily sunk into Ava's embrace, her head soberly shaking.

"And so we need to try and learn how to deal with these things without running off... because sometimes... that can make things worse and can potentially put you in danger... and me and your Dad, we don't want you to be in any danger." She waited a beat before swallowing and proceeding, "There's lots of scary things in this world, Lollipop and unfortunately, these days, a part of growing up is learning how to handle them in the safest way possible..."

"I'm sorry..." Lily's little voice squeaked as she buried her face into her mothers chest.

Ava brought her arms around the twelve year old, hugging her comfortably to her body, "It's okay. You don't need to be sorry. It's just something we gotta work on, sweet pea. We love you more than anything in this whole world and just want to keep you out of harms way."

Joel cut in, slumping himself down into one of the visitor chairs with his elbows loosely resting on his knees and his brows raised, "Talkin' about keepin' out of harms way, what're they sayin' caused this?"

Sucking in a deep breath, she anticipated the gruff response to the answer she was about to give, "They're not sure..."

She could see the way in which his jaw feathered, an almost distrusting smirk to his face, "They ain't sure? The goddamn doctors ain't sure?"

Her next words were not about to put his mind at ease, either... "They're running some tests..."

"Tests?" He all but spat the word as his body tensed. He could feel his blood beginning to simmer as the flash backs from almost fifteen years ago resurfaced. 'Running tests' was no longer a phrase that sat comfortably with him, not after Ellie, not after the f*cking Fireflies.

"Yes, Joel. Tests."

The ambiguity of the term had the hairs on his neck standing on end, "What kinda tests?"

Ava sighed, with an exasperated shrug, "I don't know, my love. Hopefully the kind that'll tell them why I passed out... They took some blood."

Joel snorted with a disbelieving shake to the head, "They took some blood, of course they did..."

"Oh for god sake, Joel." She snapped then, "They're just doing their jobs."

"Hm, funny that. I was told the same f*ckin' thing that day with Ellie."

"They're trying to find out why I keep passing out and going light headed- They have no motivation whatsoever for cutting my brain out!"

Lily's head perked up upon listening in on her parents bickering, "Woah...Somebody tried to cut someone's brain out?!"

"No, Lils... I was just being dramatic... Just let me and your Dad talk a moment please..." They also hadn't told Lily the truth behind Ellie... As far as the child was aware, Ellie was simply her older sister from a different mother and that's exactly how they intended to leave it... It was then when Ava also became conscious of the fact that she'd slipped up in more ways than one...

Joel's eyes narrowed in on her, "What ya mean, 'keep'?"

She pinched her fingers across her eyes, "Please can we not do this now? We'll talk later when we're home..."

———————————————————————

Later that evening...

"Why didn't ya say somethin' before?" Joel muttered, tugging the corner of the thin summer duvet back before settling down beside her in bed.

She was released from the infirmary a short while after he and Lily joined her. There was no immediate reasoning provided for the incident, being told that apparently 'they need to study the blood results and that these things take time...' Joel knew that. Even before outbreak, blood tests took a couple of days before the GP would call back with their findings. Whist Jackson's medical abilities had come on leaps and bounds since he settled there well over a decade ago, there was still a lack of resources and experience available within their small fenced off town, which would only mean that the timescales would be extended drastically. A week or two, they had said... He had a solid understanding of why this was, of course he did but this was his family and his family was the centre of his universe. Having to stand back and anxiously wait was agonising...

Ava rolled onto her side, using her elbow to prop herself up, "I didn't want to worry you..."

He sighed, wiping a large palm down over his weary eyes. He knew that what he was about to say was hypocritical, he had always been the number one participant in not being open and honest about his own health concerns. "Ave, it's my job t'worry about you. You're my wife... but months? You said that you ain't been feelin' right for months?"

"I didn't think it was anything to worry about- I still don't... It was just a bit of nausea and dizziness." She paused for a second, sniffing in, "I'm forty-six years old... It could just be the start of menopause..."

"I didn't think that happened until you were in ya fifties?"

"Flo once told me that she started at forty seven... it's a gradual thing apparently..."

Joel grounded his teeth, his own scenarios that he concocted up in his mind from earlier still very much prevalent, "You been drinkin' enough water, right?"

"Yes, they said that my hydration was fine."

"And you been eatin'?"

"A minimum of two meals a day, Joel."

He glanced over her quilt covered figure, remembering the way his fingers strummed over her prominent ribs the previous night, "You sure?"

"Yes!" She chuckled softly, reaching her palm out to cup his jaw, "I promise you, I'm eating. I demolished that apple and two slices of toast you left me before I even walked out of the house this morning."

The tenderness in her eyes almost had him wishing that his third scenario would be the one that was correct, as unlikely as it seemed, "I was also thinkin'...."

He sighed once more before continuing, "What- what if the doctors got it wrong again. We ain't exactly been careful the past few years, baby... What if?..."

Her fingers gently scrunched through the course hair that scruffed his jawline, her expression falling solemn as she slowly shook her head, "I took a test when the nausea started, just to be sure... I don't think they've got anything wrong this time..."

The trepidation was so very clear within his deep brown eyes, how his jaw tensed and brows pinched whilst his own palm covered the hand resting against his cheek before trailing up her arm to hold her jaw. His thumb delicately grazing over her soft bottom lip. "Just... Darlin', we ain't young no more. Ya gotta talk to me about these things... sh*t, I know I've gotta do better at it too..."

"Mmm..." A small smirk pulled to her lips, "Like the other month when you split your thigh open on that rusted nail by the sheep pen? And then proceeded to bleed out all over the couch because you were too damn stubborn to go to the infirmary or tell me... You could've gotten tetanus from that, y'know?"

He snorted, pulling Ava into him and then rolling onto his back so that her head and left arm rested upon his chest, "Hmm... We live n' learn. Been to the infirmary for every nick and cut since, though..."

"You have..." Ava's voice warm as she pressed a ghosted kiss to his peck, "Now, stop worrying about me for a few hours and get some sleep. Maria told me that you have to help refit all the doors in the faith space tomorrow?"

Joel groaned at the thought, fitting doors had always been his least favourite task... Where was a roof leak when he needed one? "That I do..."

He felt her lips brush tenderly just beneath the lobe of his ear, her breath fanning warmly and tickling his skin as she yawned, causing a content smile to draw across his face.

"Goodnight, honey. I love you."

"G'night, darlin'. Love ya too."

His perturbations didn't cease as he closed his eyes to another day gone. The knot in his gut never truly releasing from earlier in the afternoon, something instinctive stirring within him, eating away at his happiness and contentment. Something, a blood curdling gut feeling, a sixth sense maybe? Warning him that nothing good would come from this... That once again, his world may be tipped upside down...

———————————————————————

10 days later...

They sat side by side in the doctors consultancy room. The walls and ceiling freshly licked in a cool ivory paint, masking the stains of water damage, grime and decay built up from the years between 2003 and 2017, where it had stood still and abandoned. The simple application of a new colour giving the space that new lease of medical life that it had always so desperately needed.

When nurse Edgecome had knocked on their front door the morning prior with a forced smile on her lips and an invite for them to come in for a chat with Doctor Jin Zhao on her tongue, Joel had insisted on being there beside her. The unease that had resided within him not letting up even once since her blood had been extracted ten days earlier. That trepidation only ramped up, upon studying Claire's face... small subtle differences that Ava may have not noticed herself... How her tone of voice was in a slightly lower octave, how her smile appeared a percentage of a fraction less warm... less genuine...

Joel's knee bounced relentlessly as they listened to Dr Zhao explain the tests that took place and what his findings were. Ava's hand coming to fall onto his thigh with a small amount of pressure to settle him.

"So as you're already aware, we took several vials of blood from you and tested for a variety of deficiencies as well as for some common illnesses and then also a general blood count. My primary suspicions were issues surrounding your thyroid as this often presents itself as nausea, dizziness and can also cause weight loss but everything actually ran clear for this..." Dr Zhao informed, his byro pen tip tapping against the clip board that balanced atop his knee in an unsettled but rhythmic way.

Ava nodded her understanding before he continued.

"As mentioned a second ago, we also looked for any potential deficiencies. Whilst most of your vitamins and minerals are within the normal perimeters, your iron is a little on the low side- you may have heard of this being referred to as anaemia?"

Joels palm fell to cover over the hand resting on his thigh, offering a gentle reassuring squeeze. A bit of anaemia wasn't all that terrible, that was a fairly easy fix... "So that's what's causin' all this? She’s just gotta eat a bit more red meat n’ she’ll be fine?"

Dr Zhao, swallowed thickly whilst wetting his lips, "It certainly would have contributed to how your wife's been feeling recently but... I don't believe it to be the primary cause."

There was a grave silence that lasted a few moments, it bringing a frigid chill into the room with it. Joel could feel his chest beginning to constrict once again as he gripped Ava's hand that little bit tighter. She spoke up then, the unease palpable in her tone, "I- I was wondering if perhaps it was the start of menopause? I-I know that can sometimes cause strange things to happen because of the change in hormones or something?"

The doctor was rigid as he clenched and then unclenched his jaw, as if he was trying to change the results presented on his clipboard with the ability of his mind. It clearly had no affect as he looked up to her, a solemness and turbulence to his gaze before a long troubled sigh escaped him, "Mrs Miller... The final test we conducted is what is known as a CBC or a complete blood count and what this does is count the seven types of cells present in the blood. When testing yours... it's shown that not only are your white blood cells abnormally high but also that your red blood cells are unusually low..."

"W-what does that mean for me?" She queried, the grim tone of the doctors voice was enough to set her alarm bells off ringing. She swallowed down the thick lump that was slowly forming in the back of her throat and found herself seeking comfort in the heat that radiated from her husband, leaning into him that bit more.

Dr Zhao fluttered his attention between Ava's cautious eyes and Joel's hardened ones, the fear of what was to come palpably exuding from the pair of them and creating a heavy atmosphere within the space already. He took a moment to recalibrate his thoughts whilst scanning over his notes one final time, "Now, the CBC can't determine anything for certain but it does give us an indication. We'll need to run further tests for a definitive result-"

Tired of the doctors seeming attempts to dance around the subject and prolong what he actually wanted to say, Joel finally snapped, "You can talk about what's next in a second. Answer her and tell us what the hell all that sh*t means."

There was another tense beat. One that seemed to drag on for what felt like an eternity, the two men in a one sided hostile stare down. Joel's eyes were hardened with something dark simmering behind his pupils, that stoic mask that he so desperately tried to retrieve was damaged after so many years of pushing it away to allow space for his family. Its exterior all cracked and unfitting as his true fears seeped through. The doctors showed nothing but remorse, a hatred to how cruel the world could really be... and then he spoke...

"Cancer... the test results show that we're likely dealing with a form of cancer."

Cancer... A monstrous disease that Joel had barely considered as still being a threat since being subjected to the end of the f*cking world over three and a half goddamn decades ago. An illness so devastating, so brutal that he'd rather single handedly fight off a hundred hordes of infected than watch any of his loved ones be condemned to the suffering that cancer brought with it. Sat there, frozen in place, he felt the icy chills violently tear down the vertebrae of his spine. His wife, his soulmate, the mother of his child - why did it have to be her?

Chapter 3: They Don’t Know

Chapter Text

He couldn't move. The sickening fear crawling like tendrils up through his veins, constricting around his lungs and tethering him to the cobalt plastic stall he was sat upon. His vision spotting and the artificial light suddenly burning into his retina's, the only sound sinking in being the pulsating thump of his rapidly beating heart.

Cancer?

The grounding palm that was held against his anxiously bouncing knee had fallen limp. He could feel the optimism draining out from her fingertips and spill around his feet and yet he found himself unable to do anything.

He knew this disease. He knew it well. The same barbaric pathosis that had taken his grandmother away from him as a boy- his only parental figure in the mental absence of his alcoholic mother... It was a formidable diagnosis even before the cordyceps spread their plague but now? Now that research had halted and resources were so limited? It was terrifying. Cancers cruel scions twining maliciously towards him once again to take grasp and drag away the one he loves most.

The stagnant oxygen festering in his lungs caught, the action of coughing it up bringing him back to the immediate present. He could feel again then, her usual warmth so broken and scared but clinging onto him nonetheless, searching for something... anything to ground her. There were still no words that he could possibly form as he encased his arm around her, pulling her firmly into his sides. His large palm, cupped over the side of her head as a shaky kiss was pressed onto her crown... He couldn't lose her...

Dr Zhao sat quietly, the tapping of his pen now still whilst trying to allow the distraught couple a moment to process the gut wrenching news. It seemed hopeless as he was left to helplessly observe the mother, the wife, break down with the realisation of what this diagnosis would mean.

"The CBC is just an indication. We would need to conduct further tests and perhaps biopsies for a definitive answer. I can discuss the options available with you?"

"Please. I-I just need a moment... please." Ava choked, eyes bloodshot with shocked tears streaming down her cheeks.

The doctor nodded emphatically before getting to his feet, "I'll give you both a couple of minutes..."

As soon as the door squeaked shut behind the doctor, Joel had shot from his chair to fall to his knees in front of her. His now clammy palms both cupping each sides of her jaw after scraping back the fallen hair from her soaked skin. His eyes wide and own voice frantic as he so desperately tried to calm both her and himself, "Baby, baby. Look at- Look at me."

He waited until she did, searching her defeated umber irises, "They don't know yet. They don't know for sure!"

"Joel..." She sobbed, gripping ahold of his forearms. Her finger tips clawing so tightly into his flesh that it was bound to leave a series of reddened crescent shaped indentations, "I-I'm going to die..."

"No. No." Joel's head shook, the pads of his thumbs wet with the liquid salt from her cheeks as he swiped each rolling tear from her face, "You're not, okay? I-I'm not gonna let that happen, baby. Not gonna let you die."

His hand sliding around to the back of her head, he pulled her into the crook of his neck. Muffling her sorrows with the warmth of his skin. His arms encasing so tightly around her, holding her with him.

He allowed her to cry her frustration and fear out, doing everything in his power to try and console the panic residing in her soul all whilst trying to temporarily block out his own. He couldn't fall apart. Not in front of her... Her frightful sobs reduced to whimpers, her fingers trembling as she pawed at his shirt. There was a few seconds of somber silence before she gasped for a composing breath, her broken voice all wet and nasally followed, "What... what am I supposed to tell Lily? How-"

"You don't." He cut her sentence off before she could even proceed. His tone firm with an underlying tenderness, "We don't say anythin' to Lil."

Ava peeled away from him a little then, puffy uncertain eyes searching his own, "Joel..."

"She doesn't need to know." There was only so much a man could cope with at a single time. Between his own rebuff and heart ache and that of his Ava, there wasn't the mental capacity to watch his little girl fall apart, "She's at school, she doesn't know we're here. We... we don't even know for certain and- and you are not gonna die. You are not goin' to die and she don't need to know."

Joel searched her expression urgently, palms once again on either side of her cheeks. He swallowed thickly as she eventually conceded to nod her agreement on the matter. Lily shouldn't know.

It had been a long day. Dr Zhao gave them their space, returning twenty minutes later to ask if they were ready to discuss the next steps. Defeat, exhaustion and maybe even a little bit of determination was what filled the atmosphere but yes, they were ready to listen. All options were provided in full detail... with all medical jargon broken down and explained, a bone marrow biopsy seemed to be the most effective test Jackson could offer in the current trying circ*mstances... It was more than most places could offer.

They left the infirmary with a new appointment scheduled in for the following day, again whilst Lily was at school. A procedure that would only take thirty minutes complete but a further ten days to establish the results...

The tears, the fear, the uncertainty around it all- it was beyond draining. As was having to continue on as normal the moment their young daughter stepped back through the front door. Doing everything in their power to ensure her little mind wouldn't become suspicious.

"Hi Mom." Lily's smile was timid as she cautiously padded into the living room.

Ava peered up from the pages in her book, body elongated across the couch as she desperately tried to busy her mind, "Hey sweetie, how was school?"

The young girls smile grew stronger as she approached, plopping herself down beside her mother and resting her head against her hip, "It was okay... learnt about cordyceps in science today. Did you know that they only used to affect bugs in the old days?"

The mothers lips curved at the use of the term 'old days'. How that time was only a little over thirty four years ago... "Hmm, that's right. We used to be too warm for them, they couldn't survive..."

There was a moment of contemplation before Lily spoke up again, "So... Dad was around all the way back then? Before we started sprouting mushrooms outta our heads?"

"Yeah... and me, for a little bit." Something reminiscent fading onto her expression.

"How old were you when it happened? Uncle Tommy said it happened really quickly... like one day everyone was doing their thing and then the next it was all gone?"

Her expression faltered. It felt a little like that currently. How just yesterday she felt as if she had the world at her feet and yet today it felt so... so uncertain, "I was just a little bit younger than you when it happened. It was like that, though... on the Friday I was at school, playing with my friends and then by the Saturday I was just trying to find somewhere safe to hide..."

Lily shuffled up then, tucking her body into her Mom's front as Ava began to brush her fingers gently through her wavy tresses. Savouring how soft and luscious each strand felt against her tips. She watched as her daughters brows furrowed in thought, "Was it scary?"

"Mmm. Very scary."

"When did it stop being scary?"

Ava pressed her lips against the top of her daughters head, in the same fashion her own mother once did with her, "It never did, baby... but, then I met your Dad and then you came along and slowly, it all became less scary."

The girl paused for a contemplative moment, snuggling herself in that little bit more, "Yeah... Dad makes everything feel less scary... and you do. Like, right now, everything feels...safe... because I'm here with you."

She could feel the sharp prickle at the backs of her eyes, doing everything in her power to not let the dam burst again. Instead, she carefully dropped her book to the floor. Her arms enveloping her tiny baby girl whilst cherishing every second.

"Love you, Mom."

"I love you more, Lolli."

"Not possible."

He needed a brief few moments to clear his mind. Some time alone to process the news that was about to turn his perfectly crafted existence upside down. What if it was too late? What if she'd left it too long before getting it all investigated? What if it progresses during the period that they're waiting for the biopsy results? He'd been a single father before but could he really do that again now? Now that he was in his sixties with his own health issues? Would he even be able to get through the days without her presence at his side?

The thoughts were excruciating. How could she possibly be reassured by his words when he couldn't even reassure himself?

'Gonna grab dinner at the mess and bring it back. Won't be long.' Is what he'd told her as he left her resting on the couch with a book, awaiting their daughters return from school. As soon as he was out of sight, out of the way of prying eyes, he let himself go. The ringing in his ears, the rapid hammering of his heart that battered his sternum, the way the world sucker punched his gut and snatched the vital oxygen from his pruning lungs had him doubling over. Braced against the trunk of a tree, the fear just kept rising and rising and flooding each and every sense. He couldn't move, couldn't hear, his vision pixelating and limbs tingling. The start of one of his brutal migraines was brewing but he couldn't ever spare a second to recognise that as the pain in his heart superseded. He suffered alone and in silence until it passed... until his senses returned and lungs refilled with an intake of air... and then he continued.

The mess was quiet. It usually was at this time of day when most would wait until later in the evening. Normally he would too... In fact normally, he wouldn't be there all. Opting to cook something homemade instead... but he needed to get out.

There was only a line of three in front of him as he called out to Seth behind the counter, "What ya got?"

"Lamb stew." Was shouted back between the hiss of pots and pans.

"Need three portions."

"Got containers?"

A burdened sigh escaped Joel's lips as he skidded a large plastic lunch container across the surface, "Yup."

His eyes stayed trained on the tub, watching Seth as he slopped three big ladles into its drum. A measure deliberately taken to avoid any potential eye contact and conversation from picking up with any of the three other individuals within the immediate space.

Seth slid the three portions of stew back over the counter top, offering a curt nod before moving onto the next person in line as Joel grabbed for it.

Keeping his head low he began his descent home. The need to lock himself within a dark room becoming more and more vital as the spasming hurt spidered throughout his brain, gradually morphing into something agonising.

He did just that as he stepped through the front door once more. Dumping the heavy container on the side next to the oven before retreating up the stairs and hiding away. There was no sleep when he closed his eyes, just the sweet memory of a better day...

Summer 2032

She was gorgeous as she danced towards him. Him the recipient of that huge beautiful smile whilst the mustard-yellow skirt of his favourite summer dress floated so elegantly around her ankles.

This was his favourite version of her. All barefoot and carefree awaiting his return from patrol, her tawny locks now cascading down over her shoulders whilst the smell of dinner roasting away wafted into his nostrils, all rich and savoury.

Strawberry Wine played softly from the speakers, as her arm came to rest upon his shoulders. Lifting to her tippy toes just to press a tenderly welcome kiss to his lips, a kiss that felt more than them being parted by just a few hours. It always felt like a few hours too long.

He smiled into her mouth, a radiant warmth spreading from his chest and into his bones whilst his hands came to carefully rest at her waist. Feeling his eyes crinkle at the edges as those vast cinnamon irises sparkled up at him with so much want and love. As if he was the only other person that existed within her world- as if he was at the centre of it. He would never deny her of anything again for as long as they both lived.

She didn't breathe a word as her pretty grin grew across her cheeks, the fingers of her right hand seeking his own whilst prying his palm from her hip. He allowed it to happen so easily as she lifted his arm above her head, her body elegantly twirling beneath with the train of her sunny dress swirling languidly along behind her. He'd marry her all over again, if he could. To hear her lifelong vows sweet on her lips once more, to hand himself over to her in his entirety once again. It was instinctive, the way in which his gentle hold of her hand pulled her back into him. Her head rolled back into his clavicle with a contented smile to her expression, his face nuzzled into the warm crook of her neck whilst they swayed as one to the tune of the stereo.

The song hit its final soft note but their delicate rhythmic movements didn't falter, her lids fluttering shut as he observed her with nothing but awe in eyes as she indulged him, breathed him in so willingly.

Yet still, in that specific moment she still felt too far. A yearning to taste her warmth, to feel her chest pressed against his and her entirety in his hold. Using the gentle grip around her middle, he twisted her around, his head dipping to capture her lips in a gentle hurry. So soft and so plump, the remnant taste of sweet freshly squeezed orange juice on her tongue and he couldn't get enough. There was no urgency, no rush as his palms slowly rose to cup her jaw, her own travelling to their usual place at the nape of his neck, her fingers twisting within the loose curls. Her touch enough to melt away each and every worry the day brought. Her presence had that tendency...

Their mouths entangled and moved in deliberate unison, he hoped the moment would last a lifetime.

His heart so achingly full with everything that she had enhanced his life with. She was everything... More than just his lover, more than just his wife... A goddess who deserved his unyielding worship. An Aphrodite, Athena, Hera and Medea. She was them all combined in the mortal form of his Ava and in his own eyes she was nothing but blissful perfection... Each and every day he found himself falling just that little bit deeper in love with her soul...

Dinner was... fine. The remaining pinches of his insufferable migraine slowly easing. Lily had scoffed hers down as if she'd been a kid starved, her little limbs growing like weeds in recent months before then retreating back into the living room to pick out the evenings family movie.

For the two adults, it was more of a solemn affair. The chunks of veg tasting bland and the lamb all rubbery, the combination of both lying heavy in their stomachs after just a few forced mouthfuls. The two dishes eventually ended up residing still half full on the kitchen side as they vacated the room to retire to the couch.

Lily had picked out 'Mrs Doubtfire' as the evening's watch. At least it was lighthearted....

With his daughter snuggled into his side, Joel found his attention consistently flickering over to his wife throughout. Her eyes were staring in the direction of the screen, the dim blue glow highlighting her pretty features but he couldn't help but note the blank vacancy of her expression and focus. She wasn't truly watching, her mind caught up a million miles away. He'd do anything to remove this suffering from her.

He subtly extended his right foot out, nudging at her ankle to attract her attention. Slowly her head swivelled to look at him, her eyes lost but a weak smile still etched itself onto her lips. They communicated silently, reading each others soft gazes with familiar ease. She shifted eventually, getting to her feet. Folding over beside Joel, she placed her lips to the crown of her only living child, her voice just a quiet whisper, "I'm going to head on up to bed. I think I need an early night."

Lily's arms reached out, enclosing around her mothers shoulders in bid of a good night, "G'night, Mom."

"Good night, sweetheart. Don't stay up too late."

"I won't."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Momma. The whole world." The young girl smiled with Ava smiling fondly back.

With a gentle peck placed to her husbands cheek, she straightened her posture to disappear upstairs.

———————————————————————

At some point he'd dozed off on the couch- a common occurrence as the years went by. The hours had soon passed by, checking his watch to find the time quickly approaching midnight and the television screen flashing static. At his side, Lily had passed out in much the same fashion as Sarah used to. Her head resting peacefully upon his thigh with her body curled around in such a way that resembled a small cat.

With a deep breath taken, he took her into his arms. Carrying her slight frame up the stairs and into her room. He placed her amongst the sheets, pulling the duvet up and over her adolescent form and carefully tucked her in with a nightmare repelling kiss left pressed to her forehead before retreating back to the landing.

He did wander towards the master bedroom with the intent of sleep... but padding toward her bedside he watched the steady rise and fall of her chest and he simply couldn't. Instead, he resorted back to his earlier form of sweet distraction. A fragile curve tugging onto his lips as he reminisced those picture perfect memories of him and her...

Chapter 4: Dependence

Chapter Text

4th July 2038

Independence day... It all seemed very redundant now. Now that they were trapped on this god forsaken continent with no way in or out and controlled by the fear of a parasitic, world ending disease but yet the golden warming tendrils of the summer sun still reached down and splayed across their back yard, heating up and masking the doom and gloom that resided all around. The dates true meaning no longer mattered, it was all irrelevant but it still acted as yet another false excuse to forget all that was still happening around them.

Ava reached for Joel's arm as he stepped towards the back door. Their garden filled with those who they loved, friends and family alike. There was a subtle sadness to the weakened smile across her lips, her eyes almost pleading with him. One more carefree day, "I don't want to think about it today..."

His hand came to clasp over hers, providing a gentle but reassuring squeeze and pausing his movements. He offered one small nod before holding his arm out, an invitation for her to fall into his step and find the relief she needed for them to enjoy at least one more day.

With a bowl of potato salad in her other hand she fell into him without hesitation. Feeling his comforting hold tighten securely around her waist and then the solace of his soft lips pressed to her temple. His low southern drawl muttered into her ear, being the breath of fresh air that she needed so desperately, "We ain't gotta... C'mon, let's get out there."

It was day nine of ten since Ava underwent her biopsy and just like the last, nurse Edgeworth had arrived on their front porch first thing in the morning two days ago to invite them in for another chat. Joel had done his utmost to distract her in the meantime, trying his best to keep her busy so she wasn't left mulling every detail and concern over and over in her mind. Their preplanned gathering for the 4th of July was just perfect, to have everyone over to engage in a flurry of conversation and activity. For her to watch the kids play, natter with Maddie, eat good food and drink until she forgot- that's what he'd hoped for anyway...

They hadn't told anyone about the potential diagnosis, nor the ongoing investigations. Not even Tommy... With Ava gripping onto that last thread of precious hope so determinedly, that maybe, the doctor was wrong. That maybe, she just had a bug or illness or parasite or anything other than that dreaded disease beginning with the letter C.

With a smile plastered across the pair of their faces, the pursuit to forget came almost naturally. As the back door swung open, Liv and Lily could be heard giggling amongst themselves from behind the bole of a tree whilst JJ, Hunter and Skylar frolicked about with a ball. Tommy sat on the right hand side of the yard where the coals of the make shift barbecue burned alongside Tess, Ellie and Charley whilst Dina and Maddie chattered away upon the decking.

Ava provided Joel with a soft smile before slipping away from his grasps to add her bowl of potato salad to the spread of rice, pasta and leafy greens that she had previously laid out ready on the outside table for their guests, "I've set out all sides here on the table, feel free to help yourselves. Joel's just putting meat onto the grill now so should be ready in..."

"About forty for sausages, fish n' steaks well done. Ten if ya want it rare." He called out, finishing off her sentence all whilst slapping several slabs of red meat onto the heated metal grill with a sizzle.

"Dad, what about my burger?" Lily's face peeped around from the old oak her and Liv sat behind.

"About twenty minutes. I'll call ya when it's ready."

The forced smile shifted into something genuine and warm as she leaned over the railings of the decking to watch him. The sleeves of his flannel scrunched up around his elbows, an expression of concentration on his face with a glass mug of freshly brewed beer in one hand and a pair of tongs in the other. Tommy had always warned her that he took his barbecues seriously and to just let him get on with it. She didn't mind in all honesty, happy to just stand back and drool over him as he did, all whilst being astounded at the fact that the man was hopeless with an oven or stove but was remarkable with a grill. This was the eighth year running that they had held this little get together and with each annum he remained adamant that it should be him behind the grill. She chuckled softly to herself with eyes and a heart filled with nothing but love for him.

Her stupor broken by the voice of Dina calling out from behind, "I love your dress, Ava. It's beautiful!"

Her eyes glanced down at her attire, soft ashy fabric dotted with delicate pink flowers, sleeveless and flowing right down to her toes. A garment created and tailored bespoke for her by Florence in the year prior to her passing. It only seemed fitting to wear it on a day such as today, the first year that the elderly woman hadn't been present for their small shindig.

She turned to her younger counterpart, something bashful in the way her lips curved, "Thank you. It's actually the first time I've worn it."

"Well, it suits you very well."

Ava padded towards where Dina and Maddie sat gossiping on the bench just beside the back door. The heat of the wooden decking a pleasant sensation against the soles of her bare feet, a newfound appreciation for all feelings she had taken for granted for so long.

"What are you two girlies gossiping about anyway? Ugh, it's been so long since I've properly gossiped..."

Maddie scooted over, patting the new space created besides her for her longest standing friend to come sit, "Come join the mother's meeting." Before then reaching for a tall glass and the bottle of red that she had seemingly taken hostage, "and drink some wine."

"Mads, it's not even one in the afternoon yet."

The darker brunette had barely changed in the past decade, refusing to take Ava's response as a final answer, "What's happened to you? We used to nail a bottle of wine all before eleven in our late twenties..." She leant around to Dina, "Honestly, we would have put you to shame."

The youngest of the three furrowed her eyebrows, "Jeez, sorry I'm not a borderline alcoholic..."

Ava grinned at the snippiness before offering her own reasonings, "Well, I'm now forty something instead of twenty something plus I decided to raise a family,"

Maddie shoved the full flute into her friends hand with a wink, "A husband and a kid? I'd say that's all the more reason to drink up!" And then spoken a little more loudly, "Joel'll thank me for it later!"

"The hell would I be thankin' you for? Your ass ain't moved from that damn bench since you arrived!" His low southern drawl sounded from his spot on the lawn, tainted with jest.

With the bottle of wine held up on display for Joel to see, Maddie gave it a little wiggle whilst bobbing her eyebrows amusedly. Ava could hear her husbands deep chuckle as she sunk back into her seat. He knew damn well what an afternoon of wine would mean for him later on in the evening...

"He's smirking. C'mon, drink up."

Taking the smallest of sips, Ava then placed the glass down next to her feet. She glanced around to find Dina co*cking an eye brow at them both.

"An inside joke?"

Ava shook her head, "Believe me, you don't wanna know..." before allowing her best friend the chance to expand any further she swiftly moved the topic of conversation along, "So what were you both chattering about anyway? Fill me in."

"We were just moaning about men- the usual..." Dina shrugged before Maddie cut in.

"Dina was just telling me how being with another woman is so much easier and honestly, I get it!"

"Not the exact words I said but you're three and a half glasses of wine in so I'll allow it..."

Ava quietly snickered to herself before posing her question to Dina, "What were your words?"

"Well... There's less misunderstandings- I think. Like, Ellie is more empathetic to certain things compared to Jesse..." Dina paused for a beat, "I mean, I know Ellie and I have had our differences in the past, don't get me wrong but it's always been big things...whereas Jesse used to piss me off constantly. We used to argue about literally everything." Her eyes drifted over to where JJ played with Maddie's two sons, "God bless him..."

Bowing her head in a motion of respect, Ava couldn't help but glance gratefully at her own husband, "I mean, not all men are terrible... and I think I've had enough sh*tty experiences to say that."

Dina shrugged, "Jesse was by no means terrible and it kills me that he never got to meet JJ but we just weren't... compatible. Whereas Ellie and I; we just work better."

"Well, in my experience, men are sh*t." Maddie started, taking a large gulp from her glass, "You just got lucky, Ave. You and your picture perfect marriage..."

"Picture perfect? Are you kidding?" A laugh heaved from Ava, almost kicking over her own drink in the process, "It took until Seattle for either of us to truly appreciate what we had! Can you not remember the never ending drama, especially within those first few years? You hated Joel at the start!"

"Yeah well... he turned out to be a good sport and I retracted my hatred..." The brunette shrugged quietly.

Dina's brows knitted, "I mean, Ellie used to tell us bits but did you two fight often?"

She chuckled again, "Right up until after Lily was born, we were at each others throats all the damn time for one thing or another. It all seems so silly looking back on it now... we were both as bad as one another. Knew how to press one another's buttons too well..."

"You never split up though, no?"

"I mean at the very, very start there were a few weeks where I got upset over something stupid and I refused to see him but other than that, no. We've always toughed it out..."

"But why?"

Ava paused. Wasn't it obvious? "I'm not a believer in love at first sight but... f*ck, I was falling in love with that man from the start and I continued to fall a little deeper every single day after." She smiled smally to herself, that familiar tingly warmth radiating throughout her chest as her eyes landed adoringly onto her husband, "There was never a moment where I stopped loving or wanting to be with him. It's me and him, always and I truly believe that we can make it through anything at this point."

"So like soulmates?"

"Yeah, exactly that... He's my soulmate." She could feel her own face warming; not red and bashful but instead with fidelity and devotion.

Dina fell silent for a short moment, seemingly contemplating the conversation just had, "Y'know... I think Ellie might be mine... we always end up finding one another again, no matter what it is that gets in the way..."

Ava smiled at that, "I think you're hers at the very least..."

The tender moment was cut short as Maddie grumbled besides them, "My 'soulmate' must have been f*cking swallowed or something."

The youngest of the three went to pander to her, "Aw, I'm sure there's someone out there for you."

"Don't indulge her, Dina. She doesn't help herself." Ava snorted, leaning down to grab her glass and take another swig.

Maddie's arms folded defensively across her chest, "Harsh."

"Mads, you literally had a guy that would have done anything for you and what did you do?" She paused for a beat, allowing her friend to consider the question, "You went and f*cked Tommy... I love you but I'll never be on your side for that."

The brunettes hands dragged down her face, "I know, I know..."

Dina's eyes widened, daring to take a quick glance to where Tommy sat across the yard, "Wait, you did what?! How come I never knew about this?!"

"Mar's too prideful to ever let that become common knowledge," Ava shrugged, "So keep your mouth zipped..."

"When?!"

Maddie sighed heavily, her voice dropping lowly, "New years... seven years ago..."

"Oh my god! Are you the reason why her and Tommy divorced for good??"

"Ugh, there were other factors but... a little, yeah..." Her usually defiant expression dropped, "I still can't look Tommy in the eye. Feel so f*cking awkward sat here whilst he's..." She waved her hand loosely out to the yard, "there."

"Mads," Ava started, "It was over seven years ago; that's a long time. He can't exactly blame you entirely for what happened after; it takes two to tango..."

Dina muttered lowly beneath her breath, "Did more than f*cking tango by the sounds of it..."

Maddie ignored the younger woman, refocusing on her long-time friend who was more of a sister by this point. "Try telling that to Maria... She still hates my guts..."

A small laugh escaped Ava at that, "Of course she does! She classed you as a close friend and then you slept with her husband of god knows how many years whilst they were working towards a reconciliation."

"Right okay, let's change the topic..." Maddie sighed, hiding her face behind her newly topped up glass.

Ava sat back with a smirk to her face. After almost twenty years of friendship, Maddie could always be counted on to bring the drama. It was a welcome distraction... in fact, it had been the first time in weeks where she truly hadn't lost her head to the thoughts of her illness. It was needed. Very much needed.

Her reflections interrupted by the boyish wails of Maddie's youngest as he hurtled up the low steps to join them on the decking.

"Mom! Mom!"

The smirk grew a little more as she watched her friends face drop and eyes roll.

"What do you want, Skylar?"

"Mom, Hunter hit-"

"Nope. I have a drink in my hand and I'm not dealing with it!"

"But, but... he hit me really hard and it really hurts!"

Ava simply stood back and observed. Maddie's way of parenting was miles away from how she went about raising Lily, preferring a more empathetic and mothering approach than abrupt and dismissive but it wasn't her place to say anything. There had never been a rule book for raising kids, even less so after the end of the world...

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Shout at him..."

"Fine...HUNTER, STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE! HIT YOUR BROTHER ONE MORE TIME AND YOU CAN WALK STRAIGHT DOWN TO YOUR FATHERS!" Maddie wetted her throat with another gulp of wine before settling her attention back onto her youngest son, "There. Now go and play. Leave me alone."

The eight year old pouted before stomping off without another word.

"Why did I have to have two boys? Always f*cking fighting..." The brunette muttered.

Ava chuckled to herself, "Girls aren't all that much better. Lily was an absolute gremlin until she was about seven. I can remember Christmas ten years ago- her and Charley got into a squabble, Joel had to practically surgically remove her from that poor boy whilst she kicked and screamed the house the down."

"Jeez, you're both making JJ sound like an absolute angel!" Dina chirped in.

The response was almost in unison, "That's because he is!"

"Honestly, he was the easiest toddler I've ever met." Ava continued.

The grin on Dina's face was testing, "That's just because he loves his Nana Ave."

Forty six and being referred to as a Nana... Now that wasn't something she would have never seen coming fourteen years ago, "Ugh, don't. You're making me feel so old!"

With that another yelp was cried out from where the young boys rough housed on the lawn.

Joel's deep voice could be heard rumbling with a stern scowl across his face, "Hey! Boys, knock it off!"

She swore she could hear Maddie growling beneath her breath as she slammed her glass back down onto the table and stood for the first time since arriving.

"f*cking kids... I swear to god..." Her agitations trailing behind her as she stomped towards her two boys, "I'm gonna whoop your asses when I get hold of you both! What did I say this morning? I said f*cking behave!"

Ava glanced up towards her husband, a shared mocking look to their expressions as they caught one another's eye. She wandered on down to him, allowing the pads of her toes to scrunch in the viridescent shoots of grass and savouring the way in which it tickled her exposed skin. She slotted into his side so naturally, the plumes of meaty smoke from the grill being absorbed into the threads of her dress. A single kiss planted to the underside of his jaw as his right arm snaked around her shoulders.

"You good?" His words pressed quietly into the crown of her head whilst everyone's attention was grabbed by the shouting match behind them between a mother and her two sons.

She found herself nuzzling into his comfort, a content smile curved to her lips, "Mmm, so good."

His own kiss came brushing gently against her temple as he flipped over Lily's burger, "That looks done, don't it?"

She gave the disk of meat a one over with her eyes, an ashy brown with a crispiness to its top side, "I reckon so, yeah."

With his arm still securely fastened around his wife's shoulders, Joel called out towards the old oak tree, "Lils, ya burger's ready!"

"Coming!"

The twelve year old, full of so much youth and spirit skipped over with a bounce towards them. Her waist length waves flowing so elegantly behind her, floating in the gentle breeze as the sunlight bounced off her healthy tresses. Ava was almost envious of it, regretting the very moment she began dowsing her own hair in bleach and missing the days where she wore her lengths in a similar fashion. It had been almost a decade since she last touched the stuff... but the damage had already been done it seemed, with it never growing back with quite the same integrity or thickness that it once had.

"Do we have any potatoes?" The girl asked whilst Joel plopped the patty onto a plate for her.

"Up on the table, sweet pea." Ava smiled fondly, head still resting against her husbands chest.

She watched as her daughter all but bounced towards the steps of the decking, her sweet voice calling out behind her, "Thank you, Daddy!"

Ava could sense how his attention fell solely onto her without even needing to look up at him, the smile growing pleasantly across her cheeks as she relished in the sound of his voice.

"Ya get first dibs, before any of these greedy lot start fillin' their plates up," Another gentle peck placed to her temple, as he spoke only to her "What ya wantin', darlin'?"

Fourteen damn years and still she found herself swooning each and every time he would hold her in such a way, speaking so casually but in a manner that was intimate to them. If she could spend the entirety of her life stuck permanently to his side with him talking lowly into the shell of her ear then she would, without a single beat of hesitancy. It was where she truly belonged.

"Can I have the small steak please?"

"How'd ya want it?"

"Medium, if that's okay?"

"Of course, anythin' f'my pretty wife."

The rest of the day carried on smoothly, with the sun heating up and warming through any lingering animosity, with its golden rays of positivity eventually giving way to dusk. The children mellowed with their bellies filled, settling down around the small bonfire that crackled and blazed with adults alike. Ava kept her place, tucked into Joel's side with an old threadbare shawl draped around her shoulders and Lily cuddled into her front. Many a happy stories shared between the group as the flickering flame drew out all of the precious memories. Ones of celebration, adventure, life and of course love.

With her lips pressed to her daughters crown and head resting against her husbands shoulder, she studied the group fondly. Ellie with Dina nestled at her side and JJ snuggled into the other. Tommy with one arm draped platonically around Tess, his other around Olivia with a fatherly grin across his face as he jested with Charley. Even Maddie seemed peaceful with each of her sons cuddled into her, all whilst futilely trying to engage Tess in some general chit chat... There were still some missing faces, Maria, Marlon and Flo... The latter two perhaps being faces she would visit again in the untimely near future.... It was a funny thought to think that this, right here, right now might just be the last time that she'd be surrounded by all her loved ones in such a carefree and pleasant manner. It was bittersweet.

They remained that way, united around the small smouldering fire that had burned to embers until the small hours of the early morning, with the children crashed out asleep beside its homely warmth and the protection of their parents combined. The small talk turning deeper and more intense the tipsier the adults became. One drink after another but still, she refused to mention it. Determined to not let it ruin this perfectly beautiful moment. It was only when Tommy glanced down at his watch with a curse beneath his breath did they call it a night. Hugs and goodbyes as the group dispersed and retreated to their own abodes.

"T's okay. Don't wake her. I'll carry her up," Joel's voice spoke as she knelt down to gently stir Lily from where she had fallen asleep.

The sound of his boots scuffed out the last remaining embers with a plume of smoked debris whilst Ava instead placed a soft kiss to their shared daughters cheek alongside a sweet goodnight.

Happy to take a step back, she watched on as Joel carefully bundled Lily's slender frame into his hold, her slight legs draped over his arm whilst her sleepy head rolled into his clavicle with a bout of incoherent grumbles.

She could observe this side of him for hours. So soft and tender as he fathered their most treasured creation. His voice no more than a soothing mumble as he willed her back into a slumber.

"Back to sleep, baby girl. S'just me, jus' takin' you to your room..."

——————————————————————-

Ava waited for him within their room, stood in front of the window draped in an oversized shirt of his, her mind a million miles away as she gazed vacantly through the panes and out onto their back yard. It was a beautiful night. The most celestial crescent moon that casted a soft glow against every opaque object beneath, all whilst bathing in the prettiest sea of glittering stars. Not even a wisp of a cloud in sight. Her head drifted to the thoughts of the many, many memories that had taken place in that small patch of land behind their home. The nights spent giggling with a young spirited Ellie in the out house, the winter mornings where she would sway within the rocking chair with a tiny baby Lily coddled into her chest whilst watching each unique flake of white drift peacefully to the ground, the summer afternoons spent bathing in the sun whilst contently watching Joel busy himself with what ever project it was that he found himself working on, enamoured by him completely and the autumn mornings where she would find herself lost amongst the vibrant hues of gold and red.

She hadn't noticed his presence yet, his broad frame leaning soundlessly against the door arch whilst cherishing the rare moments he'd get to admire her so candidly. His lips tugged into something of a reminiscent smile, the day he first set eyes on her coming to his thoughts.

The youth of her skin, the ambition in her eyes. The cropped platinum bob which sat bluntly at her ebony shirt covered shoulders. He could remember her chaos, her smug grin and constant chatter. The less than subtle flirting and more than obvious glances shared in the weeks that followed. He could recall it all, in every great detail, their perfectly imperfect love story.

She'd mellowed as the years went by- maybe he had too in someways... Her chaos and fire channeling into something more placid and contained. There had been many a version of her throughout their time but not a single one that he didn't love with all his heart had to offer. His girl, his wife, his Ava.

Joel approached her quietly, allowing her to feel his proximity before encircling both his arms around her front and breathing in the floral lavender scent of her hair. Resting his lips against the back of her head, he could feel her finding the words to speak.

"We really did get lucky in the end, didn't we?"

"Yeah, I think we did."

She twisted around in his hold, her hands flat to his chest. Without meeting his eye, a small smile formed across her cheeks, "I guess it was always meant to be me and you, huh?"

He chuckled lowly, the rumble of it vibrating through his sternum beneath her soft palms, "Reckon it was written in them stars the whole time... before we even knew it."

Her gaze tilted up towards him then. A familiar glisten, so warm and inviting. He could recognise that look from a million miles away, one he had happily caved into at least a thousand times over the years spent together. One that tugged on the strings of his heart to allow a deluge of desire and comfort and love to spill in. A longing, a yearning. He knew exactly what she wanted before her lips even rose to meet his own, brushing so gently, tenderly as if it was just them. It was just them. Always just them.

But she was so delicate... so vulnerable. Nothing and everything had changed in these few short weeks. Would it be right of him? Such contemplation hadn't even come to mind little under three weeks ago...

He hesitated and he could feel her sink.

"Ave..."

Her brows pinched, the yearning morphing into desperation, "Please..." She blinked back her fragility, "Today's been so perfect and... I'm not ready for it to be over. Please, I need you..."

Joe could feel the lump forming in his throat. The prognosis was bleak, they both knew that whilst still clinging onto that last remaining morsel of hope that the biopsy will run clear. The thought of tomorrow didn't sit comfortably, a dread bubbling away deep within their stomachs. But she had now. They both had right now.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't." Ava swiped the back of her hand across her eyes, "I'm still me, nothing's changed. You won't hurt me... just please... whilst I am still me..."

'Whilst I am still me.' The words slicing through him all cold and jagged. Whilst she is still her... before she succumbs to and becomes her illness...

He felt her rise back onto the balls of her feet, her lips pressing gentle kisses to the corner of his mouth. He let her, for a few seconds. Watching her, with his hands gripped loosely on each side of her waist, his hold squeezing tighter and tighter with each touch until he couldn't not do anything.

With one hand moving up to cup the back of her skull, his fingers entangled themselves within her abundance of tawny locks. With a gentle tug he pulled her back, just enough so that he could then close back up that newly created space and capture her lips with his own.

Tender and amatory he breathed her in, drowning in each sense whilst allowing himself to become clouded by her. Her tongue on his, his hands on her. She was all around him within an instant. Sweet and mild like honey, deep and devastating like some kind of sink hole that he couldn't escape from. He didn't want to escape. Drowning in her devoted affection was his escape. Consumed totally by her love. His beating heart, his weary soul and everything else that slots in between belonging to this little lady that he let in by chance those many moons ago. That beautiful woman who slipped through the hairline cracks of his sturdy well built walls before breaking them down brick by brick to forge something so much more divine. He had allowed her in to keep her safe, to love and protect and keep as his own. He'd tore himself open and given everything he had and in return she gave so much more. Her time, her hand, her body, her loyalty. She grew him a family from her womb and transformed their house into a home. So cozy and warm and filled with nothing but adulation. He couldn't let her go, he wouldn't.

Her words were but a smooth whisper, repeated and purred into the heat of his mouth. His need and desires taking over with each chant of those three perfect words. His heart so full to the point of breaking.

"I love you, I love you, I love you..."

He loved her, adored her, devoted to her. Pulling her into his body with one hand and tugging at that oh so sentimental dress with the other, he guided them both back to the familiarity of their bed. His lips not parting from hers for even the most briefest of seconds, unable to leave her without his affections, eager to prove exactly where his unwavering loyalties lie.

The dress was soon dropped, the pretty floral fabric crumpled into a neat heap on the floorboards with the clink of his belt. She was all too eager to follow him down, climbing upon his lap to straddle his middle all breathless and falling to pieces.

Her kisses turning messy and the grind of her hips losing their flow. She needed bringing back, needed his hold to tether her to the present, back to them, just him and her in this cherished moment.

She couldn't remain on top. She'd float away, lost in her head. He needed to ground her, needed her to feel him, to feel them. It might just be the last time given the news that they'd already accepted to come within the next twenty four hours...

Joel was hasty in his movement, precision being key as he flipped Ava carefully onto her back, caging her in beneath his frame. A gasp escaping her lungs before settling back into the mattress, her big doe eyes blinking up at him with nothing but adoration as she came back to the moment- back to him.

There was a thickness to the atmosphere between them. Not tension nor stress or fear... instead it was vulnerable, intimate, the air all but screaming the intense and forever existing infatuation between them. His palm rising to stroke the line of her face, his thumb brushing so delicately across the bone of her cheek before gently pulling at her bottom lip.

As he stared into her soul, it was one of those rare times where he could hear the sound of his own voice, the rumbled vibration, a low Texan twang and all the emotion that hid poorly behind it. Every word enunciated ingraining deep within his being, "I love you."

Tangled within an array of silky sheets he loved her so gently, so purely. Their bodies united as one, moving in such a familiar sync. Made for her. Made for him. The missing piece to each others puzzle. Sunken so deeply within her, with only the sound of their shared ragged breaths filling the room. She felt divine and he euphoric, the velvety soft of her familiar walls pulling him in and feeling like a small slice of what ever it was the gods above were apparently capable of offering. Even then, he'd convinced himself that heaven was second best to the bliss that they found and longed for within one another.

There was no rush to a high, no uncontrolled chase. They took their time with each other, indulging in the motions all languid and hushed. No wails or wanton screams but the way she bit down on her bottom lip and how the pain, fear and sadness washed clean from her face with the dreamy pinch of her brows was enough to say it all. That much desired high arriving so naturally to release the buildup of tension.

Watching her body arch and writhe beneath him, her fingers pawing at his chest and shoulders to fall closer into her and he could feel her channel pull deliciously tight around him. Pulsing and warm and moulded just for him. The pleasured whimpers escaping those pretty lips being all it then took to drag him under with her.

With his full weight nestled firmly between her thighs and his face dropping to be buried within the crook of her neck he came. His teeth sucking at the tender flesh there, an act of control whilst he allowed himself to become lost to her love. Lost and a hope to never be found whilst his nerves tingled and co*ck still twitched within her, ensuring every last drop of him belonged to her. It always had belonged to her.

He could feel her figure lax beneath him, all soft and pliant; her walls releasing their tight comforting embrace from around him. Her come down settling over her. He didn't quite have the strength to yet lift his face from the solacing heat of her neck but he could sense the familiar pretty look in her eye gazing down at him.

A contented sigh escaping him upon the sensation of her dainty fingers running through his hair, delicately massaging his scalp.

His name rolled so perfectly from her lips, as if it was only hers to speak. All hushed and spoke with a lifetime of devotion, "Joel..."

Her tone, the weightlessness of it enough to enchant him. Enough to give him the energy to look up. He did and there was not one regret. In his sixty three years, he had never once felt anything like this with any other woman but her. His Ava. This was how it was supposed to feel, he had decided not just now but at least fourteen years ago. His name, his heart, his soul and every other fragment of his being; it belonged entirely to her. Hers to keep forever.

He crawled up her blissed out body, pressing the most gentle and painstakingly emotive kiss to her lips before pulling her into his chest and rolling onto his back. With his thick protective arms swaddled around her slight frame, they melted into one another. Her cheek pressed against the steady thump of his heart; the heart that beats for her and his mind utterly consumed by a homely warmth.

The moment interrupted by a sudden hot wetness soaking into his skin to be shortly followed by a series of muffled sobs. Ava's shoulders beginning to jerk as she crash landed back down to her grave reality, gripping herself to him so desperately. He held onto her within a tight embrace, it was all he could really do.

"I've got you, darlin'. Shhh, I've got you..."

Chapter 5: Promises

Chapter Text

There was not but a single word spoken. Knees bouncing, feet tapping, breath tense whilst she clung onto his elbow. Each and every passing minute felt like an eternity sat in that forsaken waiting area. Others came in, attended and left whilst they both continued to wait and wait and wait. They were early, they knew this. Awake since the early hours with her stomach turning into a pit of molten dread- and his too. Unable to remain static within their own four walls and an idea that the sooner they arrive, the sooner it would be over.

An idea that didn’t perhaps consider the small fact that there may have been other people scheduled in before them…

A fact that made them both realise that remaining static within the ghostly-white clinical walls of the waiting room was in fact much much worse.

Eventually, and in a very much neutral tone, the name ‘Ava Miller’ had echoed into the shells of their ears. There was no indication of emotion in the way it was enunciated and yet the sensation of nausea rose and an intense anxiousness settled.

From one chair to another they sat side by side. Joel ensured his touch didn’t leave her, a palm to the small of her back, to the flat of her thigh or on the bend of her knee as Dr Zhao reconfirmed the many examinations completed on the marrow extracted from within the bone of her hip before then moving onto his eventual findings.

He tried to hide it, Joel could see it in the way the other man’s facial muscles twitched. A small gulp, breaths labouring ever so slightly and an almost indistinguishable pinch to his brows… it was subtle but the poorly disguised expression was grim. Joel could feel his entire body run rigid, he knew what was coming. sh*t, they both knew deep down… Seeking her hand to be encased by his own, he entangled their fingers. In this together. Him and her… always.

“The results of your biopsy have shown that your marrow is producing abnormal blood cells. Essentially, healthy cells should die after a period of time to make room for new cells to be produced whereas yours are simply not doing this. This means that you have a build up of these unhealthy blood cells that are preventing new healthy blood cells from being produced.”

Joel didn’t give Ava chance to ask for herself, jumping straight in on the defence the moment his mind was incapable of following the doctors explanation, “The hell does that mean?”

He watched as Dr Zhao sucked in a slightly shaky breath, observed as the other man’s teeth nervously ground together whilst Ava’s grip on his hand tightened further.

“It… it confirms leukaemia. Which… which is a strain of cancer. I’m sorry.”

Pulling his hand from hers to wrap the same arm around her shoulders he tugged her in close to his body. Feeling her entire being fade to nothing in his hold as that last fine thread of hope vanished into the abyss.

There was not a single sound emitted from any of the three occupants within the room for what felt like a long while. Moments taken to allow the devastating news to soak into their flesh, to allow them to come to terms with what this grave diagnosis meant… Something that he at least, would never truly come to terms with. What terrible thing had she ever done to deserve such an abysmal fate?

Ava fell vacant. Her body numb and incapable of truly comprehending the gravity of emotions swirling around inside her. Fear, anguish, shock and grief - none of which quite winning the fight to the surface. Not even a single tear strayed from her lash line in that moment. A million thoughts scrambling through her mind and not one being clear enough for her to formulate into words. Was this it for her? Is this how it ends? What about Joel? What about Lily?

She remained silent. Her nose and brows twitching as she fell into her husbands consoling embrace. The tears hadn’t yet shed… but she knew they would. Once they were home… once the shock had worn off. Eventually her trembling lips parted, a small quaking voice seeping through.

“H-how long…?”

The doctor peeked a somber eye up at her, “Looks like we caught it early… stage two perhaps. It-It’s difficult to say for sure… six months… could be a year… maybe less.”

“But it can be cured, right?” Joel asked, his stare intense. “You just said it was early. Gotta be somethin’ that can be done.”

Dr Zhao solemnly shook his head, it bowing in motion, “Thirty five years ago? Sure… but now?” He paused to swallow down a thick lump. “We have better medical care here than what most places still have but…with what’s needed and required to cure this?… We’re simply not equipped…”

He could feel himself riling up, Ava too numb to interject and calm him, “No no, no. That- That’s f*ckin’ bullsh*t. I’ve seen it with my own damn eyes, doc! I’ve seen a kid who had the same f*ckin’ thing walkin’ around cured in KC!”

Joel could feel the emotion biting at his throat. The memory of Sam, the recollection of the sacrifices and risks that Henry had made to ensure his baby brother survived his illness.

“Jo- Mr Miller.” The doctor corrected himself to maintain somewhat of a professional manner, “I’m truly sorry but we simply are not equipped to perform either chemotherapy or a stem cell transplant here in Jackson. There’s nothing more that we can do.”

He hugged her to him that little bit tighter, afraid to let her go in fear that she’d slip away completely. The lump in his throat growing to dissipate the misdirected anger that had begun to bubble, “There’s gotta be somethin’… please…”

“I’m so sorry. I really am.”

————————————————————-

There’s nothing more that we can do. The fearsome words cutting deep. The universe once again determined to punish him by snatching yet another loved one from his existence all whilst forcing him to live on with the agony it left behind.

Everything had felt as if it had collapsed around them. A sudden realisation settling in to how tightly they were both clinging onto that last thread of hope. That one remaining fine thread that had now frayed and snapped to leave them detached with nothing to grab onto.

Ava had broken down the very moment they stepped back through the front door, not that he expected anything different. All he could do was hold her as she panicked and grieved her preempted death all whilst trying to keep some semblance of sanity within himself. His own heart shattering whilst still trying to hold hers together. Six months… A year… Maybe even less? It was all so ambiguous and no amount of sand in the timer would ever be enough. It was him that was supposed to pass first… it was always supposed to be him. He was older, put himself at more risk - why wasn’t it him? It was her that was supposed to live on until an old age, to raise their daughter into a sure adulthood and maybe even see their potential future grandchildren into the world. Who would now do that if not her?

The rest of the day was spent in bed. Ava didn’t speak much at all whilst snugly tucked beneath Joel’s chin. Her relentless stream of anguished tears had soaked through the downy pillow beneath her head, her pastey cheeks drained of any colour only serving to emphasise the contrast of her reddened eyes. It didn’t feel like there was anything worth saying…

Joel kept her close, unwilling to let go. The thick of his arms encased around her and his lips pressed to the cool skin of her forehead. His mind running at one hundred miles an hour… he couldn’t just sit back and let this take its course. He couldn’t just not do anything and accept this bleak path laid out before them. There had to be something that could be done? That he could do? All this fight couldn’t have been for nothing, surely? He couldn’t allow himself to lose her…

“What the hell do we tell Lily, Joel?”

Her small wet voice pulled him from his thoughts. Another heart dropping notion that made him feel sick to his stomach. His gentle fingers carded through the locks of hair on the back of her head, his voice low and consoling, “Let’s not worry about that right now. We still got time. We’ll figure somethin’ out…”

He could feel her nod against him. Pressing a careful kiss to the apple of her cheek, he spoke once more, “I ain’t lettin’ you go through this alone, darlin’… I can’t say that I know what’s comin’ but I can promise you that you’ve got me…”

“I know…”

They laid still and silent for a few more moments, clinging onto each others comfort whilst they still could before Ava spoke once more, “What time is it?”

Joel adjusted himself back, lifting his wrist to the slither of daylight creeping in between the curtains to highlight the numbers on his watch, “coming up to four.”

“f*ck…” Her face rolled into the crook of his neck, small sniffles escaping her, “She’s gonna be home in a minute. She can’t see me like this- she, she’ll know something, she-“

With her face suddenly in his palms, her eyes glistened up at him all wet with a fresh deluge of tears pending. His voice being the one of reason as he tried so hard to keep himself together, “Baby, she ain’t gonna know.”

He searched her pupils, all blown wide with fright. Saying anything at all to try and at least ease her stress a fraction, “I’ll say that you’re not feelin’ great n’ have gone to bed. I’ll say for her to leave you be n’ I’ll keep her busy. She ain’t gonna know, not until we say somethin’, okay?”

She swallowed thickly, “Okay.”

Joel pressed his lips to the crown of her head once more, letting it linger for a second, trying to breathe a little more life into her weary soul so that she wouldn’t give up completely. He pulled back hesitantly, wanting to do nothing less than leave her side but understanding the need to keep their daughter away from the situation for the time being. There was no chance in hell that either of them could keep a steady mind whilst trying to console a desolate twelve year old in addition to everything else right now. Having her run straight up to their room to find her mother with tear stricken cheeks and her father in a state of disarray would only prompt a set of questions that neither were remotely prepared to answer.

He shifted himself away, sitting himself up to stand from the bed. With a solemn expression he gave her one last glance, “M’gonna go down n’ wait for her so she don’t come straight up.” A steady palm lowered as he caressed from her cheek to her jaw, “Y’need to rest. Try n’ get some sleep. I’ll come back up when I’ve got her settled.”

———————————————————————

A mug of coffee. Let the dog out. Clear the usually easily ignorable clutter from the sides. Anything and everything being done to try and distract him from the current reality. The reality which has him headed to become a single father once again. The reality that will see him living out his years alone. The reality that appeared so determined to rip out the centre of this new world he’d spent fourteen years building himself. Everything current in his life revolved around or was because of her… The memory of the moment that those three little but imperative words spilled from his lips for the first time crawled in all bittersweet and vivid….

The relaxed smile on Joel's face slipped away as he took ahold of her chin and tilted her head up to face him. He gazed into her deep umber eyes before pressing his lips to hers, kissing her slowly and tenderly. Her hand remaining its gentle hold of his jaw as she tasted the sweet residue of hot chocolate on his lips. Something so much more than just desire igniting visibly between them. He pulled back, their noses still touching as her breath tickled his top lip. There was a certain glisten in his eyes as he gazed dotingly into her own, her heart fluttering at the unspoken words that seemed so obvious in this very moment.

"Tell me..." She whispered quietly as she caressed the side of his face.

"Question or fact?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper as his eyes searched hers for any reason of doubt.

She looked to him with adoring reassurance, a need for him to say it now more than ever before. For him to tell her that she's his, that she has a permanent home in his heart. "Fact..."

He swallowed thickly, almost able to hear the way his heart pounded within his chest. He had to tell her something he hadn't told her before. Something true about himself...a fact. He brought the pad of his thumb up to stroke over her cheek as he placed another delicate kiss to her lips, a kiss that felt almost too delicate for a man like himself to be capable of. Those meaningful pretty words leaving his lips so smoothly and so naturally, "I love you."

The clear image of her sat across his lap, long legs draped over the arm of his chair whilst adorned in that cherry red satin dress being enough to cause his breath to choke, that fragile line of resolve to crack and quake. The squeak and creak of the front doors handle twisting being the only reason he was able to snap himself out of the painful stupor he found himself in.

“Mom! I’m home!”

He sucked in a composing breath, ready to intercept the girl’s preemptive movements to seek out her mother, “In the kitchen, baby girl!”

“Oh. Hi Dad.” Her sweet little face peered around the doorway with an element of surprise.

“Hey kiddo… You good?”

“Uh yeah…” Her brows furrowed, “Whatcha doin’ home? You’re never home this early.”

He shrugged, “Just finished up early is all. Didn’t need me on patrol in the end so ended up patchin’ up some roof instead.”

“But they always need you on patrol… like always…”

“Yeah well, today they didn’t. There’s a first time for everythin’ I guess…”

“Huh.” Lily padded in closer to him, tugging a chair out from the dining room table and slumping down into it. “Where’s mom?”

Joel swallowed thickly. The act of lying coming no where near as naturally as it once did, “She’s in bed. Said she ain’t feelin’ too good n’ needed a lie down.”

The pre teen groaned mockingly, “Ugh, does that mean you’re cooking dinner tonight, then?”

“M’fraid so. More than welcome to get your ass up here and cook yourself, kid. Nobody stoppin’ ya.” He snorted.

“No…”

“Mmm, thought that might be your answer,” The corner of his lip tugging ever so slightly, “What ya wantin’, anyway?”

Lily pondered for a second, as if she was genuinely considering the question before answering with what remained her favourite meal since the tender age of two, “Chi-“

“Chicken nuggets.” Joel finished off, “Why’d I even ask, huh?”

She grinned at him from her seat, “Think you can handle that, old man?”

“The hell you callin’ an old man?”

“You.”

“Sound more n’ more like your damn sister each day. Ya little sh*t.” He grumbled whilst crouching down to retrieve the tub of bread crumbs that were stored in the cupboard beneath the counter. The presence of his little girl being the most welcoming of distractions.

“Love ya, Daddy!” She beamed with a big toothy grin.

The smirk that formed was involuntary as he shook his head, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, kid… listen, Imma make a start on dinner. Your job is t’go n’ pick us a movie, got it?”

“Got it!”

The legs of her chair scraped across the tiles as she stood, long locks flicking eagerly over her shoulders as she turned towards the door once more. He watched with a pang in his chest as she retreated, “Oh n’ Lil?”

“Yeah?”

“I love ya too.”

That small familiar smile pulled at her lips and left dimples in her cheeks. An expression that gave her an uncanny resemblance to Sarah, the older sister she never had the chance to meet, “I know.”

———————————————————————

Dinner was an utter abomination to say the least. His culinary skills were questionable at the best of times, despite Ava’s continuous efforts to improve them over the years and the current weight of the world on his shoulders offered no favours. The distraction of his own thoughts lead to the beans sticking to the bottom of the pan and the chicken nuggets to be sporting a rather peculiar shade of dark brown compared to the golden hue that should really have been.

It was a frustrated huff that left his throat rather than a sigh as he pulled the oven door open to be greeted by billows of dark smoke and the scent of ash…

There was little care taken in the way he shook the tray clear in equal parts across three bowls. His arm extending to sloppily slap down a spoonful of beans alongside it. The boiled potatoes weren’t too disintegrated, much to his surprise… at least he could perhaps persuade his daughter that some part of the meal presented was in fact edible.

He could feel himself tiring as he carried the dishes into the living room. Not in a physical way… but more so mentally. Like a heavy ball and chain had been linked around his ankles to make every step taken that little bit more difficult as he dragged himself along. He placed one bowl into her lap and there wasn’t even a beat before she piped up.

“Seriously?” Lily’s face grimaced as she glanced down to the mostly charcoaled contents of her dish.

“Sorry, kid. Got a little distracted out there…”

Her brow arched as she studied one of the rock solid lumps that vaguely resembled a nugget, “I swear you do it to spite me, sometimes…”

Joel sighed, a deflated palm dragging down his features as he desperately tried to not snap, “The potatoes are fine. Just eat it. Please.”

He could hear her grumble something incoherent to his ears beneath her breath as he turned on his heel to head back out into the entry way.

Lily’s voice eventually calling out to him, “Hey! Thought we were watchin’ a movie? Where you going? I didn’t mean to make you mad…”

He halted his stride, his expression falling soft as he glanced over his shoulder, “Ain’t made me mad, baby. Just takin’ some dinner up to your Ma. Be down in a minute.”

Keeping his footsteps light, he soundlessly ventured back upstairs. He listened for any sign of movement or life coming from behind the bedroom door but was met with silence. It was stupid, how much he now feared the staticky sound of nothingness. As if he’d walk in and she’d already be gone. It was ridiculous, he knew that… of course she was still fine right at this very moment. Although no matter how many futile internal attempts he made at reassuring himself, it did nothing to stop the way his chest constricted.

Gingerly he pushed the door open and peered around. She was still atop the covers, half on her side and half on her front with her face being the most peaceful he’d seen it all day whilst resting on the pillow. He entered cautiously, his attention focused on the gentle rise and fall of her back beneath the dim room. His heart settling into a steadier rhythm with each step forward he took. She was still here. She was still with him… of course she bloody well was. Joel shook his head at the insanity of his anxieties before resting his gaze back upon her. How her dark lashes fanned over her still tear stricken cheeks, the plumpness of her pink lips agitated by the influx of emotion and yet, she still lies, succumbed to her exhaustion in the form of a deep sleep.

He placed the dish upon the bedside table and let her be. She needed the rest.

Knees bunched up beneath her chin, Lily’s ears pricked at the sound of the creaking floor boards. Her bowl pushed to the coffee table still containing all of its original contents minus the potatoes and one half of a charcoaled nugget.

“S’that bad, huh?” Joel grumbled, jerking his head to the dish whilst slumping himself down besides his young daughter.

“Mhm…”

It wasn’t her usual snippy response he noticed. He glanced to the side to catch her expression, discreetly forcing down the thickened lump in his throat. The concern radiated off of her, with her eyes staring vacantly into the soft blue glow of the start up screen. She was going to make him lie… wasn’t she?

Lily’s brow pinched, “Is Mom okay?”

She was going to force him to lie. He could already feel his neck tense and jaw clench, he wiped the back of his hand beneath the underside of his nose as those big brown eyes turned to face him. An attempt to mask the deception that was certain to leave him whilst she sought after the truth, “Course she is.”

The silence lingered between them for a few seconds as if it was a sentence unfinished. Her worrisome gaze still searching his blank one, as if expecting him to speak more. He didn’t.

“It’s just that… after the other week and then again now…”

Joel didn’t let her finish- he couldn’t. A loose arm falling around her slight shoulders, “Lil, listen. Your Mom’s fine. She’s just feelin’ a bit under the weather. We all get sick sometimes, don’t we?”

She nodded quietly, leaning into the crook of his arm- the one place where she’d always feel safe. Her adolescent mind still lost in her worries, “You promise?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, his own brows now knitted together with a false certainty, “promise…”

He could feel his heart sinking as the word left his lips. A sensation that possibly felt even worse than that day with Ellie whilst they stood stalemate upon the hills that surrounded their town as he muttered the very same word. He blinked away the memory and the current unease it brought with it, shifting uncomfortably within his seat as he grabbed for the remote, “What ya put on?”

Joel glanced down to his side, placidly observing as she snuggled herself into him with a small smile pulling to her lips, “Curtis and Viper two…”

A grin tugged to his own, “That’s m’girl. Great choice.”

——————————————————————

Lily had passed out relatively quickly despite the movie continuing to play. Her head resting in a state of slumber within his lap whilst his finger tips absentmindedly traced a variety of shapes lightly over the top of her arm. He’d stopped watching the film himself from the moment the opening scene concluded, unable to pay attention to a luxury such as this. Joel’s thoughts constantly drifting back to his beloved wife and the falseness of the words that dripped from his tongue just little over an hour prior.

His mind mulled over every possible scenario… There had to be some version of this predicament where he got to keep his family in one piece. There had to be something he could do… had to be some way he could fix this mess and make it all okay. A way where he didn’t have to lose her, a way that he could continue to watch her grow grey and old so gracefully with him for as long as his own life would allow. There had to… There was.

The end credits rolled, the dimming of the television screen pulling him back into reality but his uninterrupted stupor was just long enough to concoct a small part of a much bigger plan.

Joel carefully bundled Lily within his arms, completing their nightly ritual where he would carry her up to bed and tuck her in safely for the night ahead. He wasn’t entirely sure for how much longer he could keep it up with her growing the way she was but he’d continue to do so and cherish the moment whilst his aching bones still allowed him to.

A gentle kiss was placed to the top of her crown with the softest whisper breathed from him, “G’night, baby girl. Dream big.”

And then it was just him.

He watched over her for a few moments, ensuring she was truly settled before backing quietly out of the room. He took a deep breath before padding over to his own and nudging the door silently open, applying enough pressure so that it didn’t creak.

Ava had barely shifted from the last time he checked in on her. She’d tossed over to the opposite side but seemingly remained trapped by her sleep. Joel hesitated just for a moment, not wanting to wake her but needing her to know subconsciously just how much fight he was willing to give. He crouched down at her bedside, a single finger looping a loose lock of hair back out of her face before pressing his lips gently to the centre of her brow. She didn’t stir. Joel pulled back by just a few centimetres, his eyes softly locked onto hers beneath closed lids with his voice no more than a sullen hush, “M’gonna make this right, darlin’. Promise…”

——————————————————————-

Jaw taut, eyes hard and an expression that was unwavering. He sat in that same chair within the consultation room as he had that morning with his arms folded.

“I’ve already told you. We can’t do anything!” It was gone eleven pm and Dr Zhao appeared exhausted, the rings beneath his eyes dark and prominent as he once again repeated his earlier conclusion.

Perhaps it was a little cruel of Joel to corner him just as he was finishing up his shift; sneaking in and locking the door behind him, the doctor already stood with his jacket on and bag ready in hand to leave but at this point in time with an idea in mind, the thought of consideration had bypassed him completely.

It became apparent very quickly that the last thing this doctor wanted was to be locked in this very room with an agitated Joel Miller…

“Ya ain’t f*ckin’ listenin’ to me, Jin n’ it’s pissin’ me off.” Joel’s voice was low but firm, intentionally keeping his voice from raising as to not draw attention.

“Joel. How many times have I patched you up over the years, huh?” Dr Zhao wetted his lips, “When have I ever not done everything in my damn power? f*ck, if it weren’t for me and old Pete- god bless his soul- you wouldn’t even be here right now!”

Joel remained unfazed, his glare continuing to remain locked on the familiar doctor, “Then help me save my wife.”

Jin paced to and fro, his digits pinching the bridge of his nose with an exasperated sigh, “Joel…”

“Just tell me again what you can treat this kinda cancer with.”

“A stem cell transplant? Even if you offer to be the donor, we’re still looking at machinery to even harvest the healthy cells to start with, then the radiotherapy and all the other meds to prepare her before even the transplant can take place- none of which we have available to us in Jackson…”

Joel scratched at his chin, head shaking, “There any other ways of treatin’ it? Told ya that I met a kid that survived this in a damn QZ- can’t imagine them doin’ all that sh*t…”

Dr Zhao bowed his head, “I’ve heard some zones used to have the facilities but even then it was uncommon.” His brows knitted, “Only other treatment bar chemo is an oral drug called hydroxycarbamide but again-“

The other man was quick to interrupt, “So a pill?”

“Yeah, a pill but it isn’t always as effective and still, we don’t have it here…. I’m sorry, Joel. I really am but I have nothing to treat her with.”

“What if I can get hold of it? The equipment, the chemo, sh*t even the f*ckin’ pills?” Joel sat forward in his seat, hands braced over his knees.

Jin expelled another sigh, “Most the zones are gone and even if FEDRA are still up and running in some places, what makes you think they’ll hand you over something so valuable and hard to come by?”

He repeated himself, the firmness to his tone returning, “I said, what if?”

“Then yeah. Of course I’d do what I could to treat her.”

Joel nodded to himself, making an ingrained mental notes of the options: Stem cell, chemo, pills…

The doctor glanced up towards him, amongst the exasperation was a hint of curiosity, “I don’t even know how you would go about reaching out to other communities these days… let alone persuading them to give up medication or equipment so rare and valuable.”

“Yeah, well… We have a stash of equally valuable sh*t here in Jackson. I’ll find a way. Always do.” He reached for a scrap of paper left loose on the desk besides him, picking it up and shaking it out towards the doctor, “Here. Do me a favour and write down the name of that pill?”

———————————————————————

There was a certain crispness to the mid summer night breeze as he ventured back out into the darkness. His boots thudding and scuffing into the dry gravel being the only noise to echo around him.

He stopped in his tracks, eyes squinting in contemplation as he pondered his next move. He could go home… wait until the morning to have this next conversation but that would only delay him more. He needed a clear plan, to know exactly where to go and who to take with him. An idea was in mind but not a single clue about the reality of it. The place was swarming with infected when he passed from afar all those years ago with Ellie in tow… but was it really as bad as it looked back then?

Joel found himself at his brothers doorstep as the clock struck midnight, his fist all but beating down the front door until it cracked open.

“The f*ck ya doin’ here? Ave hasn’t kicked you out again, has she?” Tommy squinted, his expression dropping upon noticing the grave look to his brothers eye.

“You got a minute?”

“Yeah, ‘course.”

The older Miller sniffed harshly, gesturing behind his sibling, “You got the kids in there?”

“Uh, nah. Jus’ me. What’s goin’ on?”

The brothers sat on opposite sides of the small round table with Tommy sliding across a glass of freshly poured bourbon, “So what’s this all about then?”

Joel swallowed thickly, just the presence of having his younger sibling sat in front of him with an attentive expression to his face was enough to cause a flurry of suppressed emotion to rise within his throat, “I gotta get to Cody…”

Chapter 6: The Plan

Chapter Text

“The f*ck do ya wanna go to Cody for?” Tommy’s brows knitted. His remaining eye searching his brothers beneath the dim light of the floor lamp, taking note of the sudden way his focus dropped to the table in front of them.

Joel didn’t answer initially, struggling to speak the words out loud- is if by voicing them would make the grim reality any more real than it already was. He swallowed thickly, nose twitching as an uncomfortable sting spread throughout his sinuses. His own brows furrowed as he fought back the urge to let his anguish spill, a desperate last attempt at keeping himself together before lifting his eyes to stare back at his sibling. “I just gotta…”

“Like hell you do. Place is a f*ckin’ death trap.”

“I gotta get a message out of that radio tower….”

The sliver of wetness brimming just above his lash line, threatening to overflow was impossible for the younger sibling to ignore. With Tommy’s own stomach dropping heavy for some inexplicable reason, he was left with no other option but to question. It took a lot to break his big brother, and was a sight he’d witnessed only a very small handful of times in his fifty seven years. It was a sight that unnerved him more than most things, “The hell’s goin’ on, Joel?”

Joel felt his throat clam up, his chin tilting as he blinked up towards the ceiling in a rapid concession, “It’s, uh… It’s Ave…” Another hard lump was swallowed as he lost the battle and a singular tear rolled down his cheek, “Sh-she- f*ck.”

His breath quaked, the words caught within the cords of his voice box.

“She what?”

“She’s sick…” He shook his head, eyes still pinned to the swirled design of plaster above him. The tears continuing to spill in an almost controlled manner before slowly lowering his blurred focus to meet his brothers, “She’s real sick, Tommy…”

The desolation radiated from him, an aura of the most devastating anguish. Tommy could feel it soaking into his bones as if it was toxic. His facial expression dropping as he watched his usually so phlegmatic older sibling crumble apart in front of him, “Can’t the docs treat what ever it is?”

Joel’s head sunk between his shoulders, it shaking solemnly, “Said they can’t do sh*t… ain’t got the equipment or meds…”

Tommy’s brows pinched, “What we talkin’ about here? How bad is it?”

“Cancer.” The word blistered like acid would on his tongue. Joel’s voice lowering gravely, “She’s got six months to a year they reckon…maybe even less…”

The younger Miller brother choked on his own breath, a heavy palm dragging over his weary face, “f*ck…Christ. That…that’s a lot…”

Tommy swallowed his own emotion down, his thoughts immediately falling to his sibling. Ava had given his brother a whole new lease of life- the fresh start he’d so desperately needed for more than the two decades prior. The woman had become the epitome of Joel’s universe, his day to day routine revolved around her and their daughter- the deep love he had for them being so very evident to all those around them and in everything that he did. He’d travel to the end of the earth and back for her, Tommy knew that… and so his heart broke for his big brother, “Joel… I-I’m so f*ckin’ sorry…I-I don’t even know what t’say…”

With a deep breath inhaled, he stared into Joel’s broken eyes. A few moments of deadly silence followed, “You’re gonna try and get the meds, aren’t ya?”

Joel‘s voice strained, “I can’t jus’ do nothin’. Can’t just f*ckin’ sit back and watch her die without tryin’… Someone out there might have what she needs- I gotta try.”

He watched as Tommy nodded, observed as his brothers expression went through the motions of processing the devastating news. With a sniff, he pinched the corners of his eyes between his finger and thumb, removing the evidence of wetness as he did, “Is it a suicide mission? Cody? I didn’t get all that close with Ellie…”

Tommy shook his head solemnly, “Was a mess the last time I went. Place was crawlin’ with infected…. But that was over fifteen years ago… ain’t nobody been out that way since…”

Joel paused, tossing the options over in his mind, “N’ the radio tower… how far up did they get?”

“Not far… but again, that was years ago…”

“So could all be burnt out?”

“Or be f*ckin’ infested with ‘em…”

“But you don’t know that f’sure?”

The younger of the brothers sighed, pinching his brow between his thumb and fingers, “Joel…”

“No.” Joel’s voice became stern, “Ya ain’t talkin’ me outta this. I ain’t lettin’ her go. I can’t.”

Tommy restrained from sighing once more, rolling his shoulders back into his chair and slapping his hands onto his thighs, “Alright… but y’not goin’ out there alone. I’m comin’ with you.”

“Like f*ck you are,” the eldest sibling scoffed, “You with one eye and me with one workin’ ear… barely one functionin’ person combined. That would be a damn death wish…”

“Well, ya ain’t goin’ alone, brother. Not lettin’ that happen. You ain’t young no more… ain’t like how we used to be…”

Joel fell silent. Tommy was right… he’d aged. Whilst he still liked to think of himself as capable, he was nowhere near as quick or as stealthy as he had been a decade ago. Between that, the migraines and having no clue of the scale of things up there, even just clearing the tower out could easily result in his death. He scratched at the stubble on his jaw, eyes falling to a spot on the table as he thought, “I’ll take Ellie n’ Tess…”

“Ellie n’ Tess?”

“Yeah. Ellie’s young… she’s quick and goddamn lethal- you know that… n’ Tess? She’s got that whole logic thing goin’ for her… she’s the only f*ckin’ reason we ever made it this far.” He went onto explain.

Tommy nodded slowly, a hint of uncertainty to his eye, “Ya think she’ll do it? Tess? After what went down in Seattle, she’s reluctant to roam outside her regular routes…”

Joel heaved a sigh whilst slouching back within his seat, “It’s people she don’t wanna deal with. Ain’t gonna be no people up there… Least I can do is ask…”

———————————————————————

It was too late of an hour to even consider cornering Tess into place of submission. He’d be lucky if she’d even open the door to him in the first place. They were on good terms, the bad air between them dissipating years prior - even before the shared journey to find a very small and abducted Lily, but that didn’t mean she was any less hot headed. She had always matched his own when it came to stubbornness and temper and at almost one thirty in the morning, he was not prepared nor in the right frame of mind to prod something that was akin to a sleeping dragon. It was certainly a fight that could wait for the morning hours.

Whilst Tess was a matter that could be waited for, Ellie was not. Joel knew himself well enough to understand that he would not rest until his plan was sufficient enough to continue even without Tess’s support. Tess was a smart option but Ellie? She was a necessity at this point…a must.

He glanced down at his watch, the luminescent glow of the crescent moon reflecting off the numbers beneath its glass face. First light would rise at four… A need to be home by then. By horse back, a trip to the farm house would be less than a half hours ride away… could be back by three if he could get her on board quick enough…

Joel found himself stood in Blaze’s stable a very short while after. It wasn’t quite the same bond as he’d forged with Red all those years ago, but the long legged gelding had served him well enough over the past decade. He haphazardly slung the saddle over his back and buckled the throat lash of his bridle, tutting at the nose band that had been added by one of the gelding’s other riders before pulling it off with a low grumble, “The hell are they doin’ to ya boy. Y’don’t need that sh*t.”

Mounting from the fence of a turnout pen, he hauled himself on board and set out towards the gates.

He wasn’t wrong in his estimates. His boots thudding down into the grassy acreage that surrounded Ellie’s home in just twenty eight minutes. With a pat to Blaze’s sleek neck, he left him with reins wrapped loosely around the protruding branch of a tree situated just metres away from the wraparound porch.

The steps creaked achingly as he ascended them one at a time before rapping his knuckles against the wood of the door.

He stood waiting for what felt like a while. His eyes glancing between the partition in front of him and the horse tied up just a few yards away. Perhaps he should have waited until the day time…

Just as he began to question his decision the soft squeak of the front door sounded into his good ear. His attention slowly flickered from Blaze and over to the woman that he’d raised as a daughter for the past fifteen years, “Hey, kiddo…”

Ellie stood in the doorway, torso swimming in an oversized tee and pair of baggy sleep shorts with a perplexed frown to her face as she lowered her shot gun. A fist rose up to rub the heavy sleep from her eyes whilst restraining the yawn that threatened to escape, “Joel?”

Dina’s concerned voice could be heard calling down from up the stairs. A silly error made if it weren’t him at the door, he thought to himself.

“Ellie? Is everything okay?”

Ellie’s head tilted back to allow her response to carry better, “Go back to sleep, Dee. It’s only Joel.”

She turned back to him then, her brows pinching with her own form of concern, “What you doing here?”

Joel ground his teeth, eyes flickering to the floor for a brief moment before meeting hers with a level of seriousness, “Need your help with somethin’.”

Her face dropped, “What, now? Joel, it’s two in the f*cking morning, man! Are you feeling alright?”

“Not right now. In the mornin’.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, shoulders relaxing by a noticeable amount, “What do you need?”

“I need to get to the radio tower in Cody… We can do the round trip in four days. Ain’t no different than a supplies run- can just tell Dina that if she…” He paused his pleading upon realising just how desperate he sounded, “I need help clearin’ it out.”

Her frown pinched further, her tone of voice turning cautious, “Why couldn’t this wait until the morning?”

He swallowed thickly, his hands sinking into the front pockets of his jeans, “Couldn’t sleep…”

“You gonna tell me what’s going on?”

Joel’s head shook, sinking solemnly between his shoulders. His mind too heavy and tired to have that conversation for the third time in twenty four hours, too exhausted and anguished to deal with Ellie’s anticipated distraught reaction, “I-I can’t… not right now… I… Please- I need your help to clear out the radio tower.”

Ellie searched his expression, noting the bags beneath his eyes and the overall solemness that sagged at his facial features. Her own trepidations for him only growing as an uneasy feeling settled within her chest, “Okay. When?”

He nodded his thanks, a very small fraction of the heavy weight he’d been loaded with lifting from his aching shoulders, “Tomorrow at ten… meet me at the barn.”

Joel went to turn, his boots just about to carry him over to the three little steps that would have him landing on the surrounding land, his hands still stuffed within his pockets. His tracks were stopped as Ellie’s worrisome voice quietly called out to him. He glanced over his right shoulder.

“Joel… Go to bed.” She offered him a weak smile, one he returned with a tight lipped line before continuing on his way.

——————————————————————

The sun hadn’t quite started to rise above the horizon as his heavy steps paced back up the front path but the vast sky was now more navy than the obsidian void that it had been when he left.

Every part of his body ached from his head to his toes as he noiselessly closed the front door behind him with a quiet click. He paused as per routine, listening out to ensure his arrival hadn’t stirred either of his girls from their slumber before glancing between the living room and the stair case ahead. It had been a long time since he’d felt this way, felt this lost and this hopeless. He could remember the decades where in which he’d turned to pills and drink in order to numb the pain his own mind bestowed upon him. Pills and drink, drink and pills… but there was no access to pills in Jackson and so- No. He had to go to bed.

Mentally scolding himself, his palm cupped his forehead to ease the continuous throbbing within. He wasn’t that man anymore. No matter what fate was already lined up for his little family, he had to be there for her- for Lily. He couldn’t allow himself to drown in this overpowering ocean of pity and despair as he had done last time, there was so much more at stake than just himself this time around…

He forced the first step and then the ones that followed padded down with a little more ease as he ignored the tormenting urge to inhale the stash of whiskey they’d collected within the oak cabinet and instead ascended the stairs.

He crept silently across the landing, sneaking soundlessly into his bedroom. He simply stared at her sleeping form for a brief moment whilst still stood in the archway, her silken hair fanned out across her pillow like a halo around her pretty head as her body curled in on its side. She always had been nothing short of an angel in his eyes… From the very moment he first set eyes on her, she had this otherworldly and almost holy charm about her; a glow that no matter how hard and determined he was to ignore, still managed to entice him in and keep him within her hearts reach. If it weren’t for the current state of their lives, he would laugh about it now… How completely and utterly screwed he truly was from the second she looked at him… It had been game over long before he ever accepted defeat.

A almost indistinguishable tug pulled to his lips as he reminisced the youth of their now long term relationship. It all seemed so complicated back then… yet now, he’d give anything to go back and relive it all over again- to correct all of the mistakes and avoid all of the unnecessary fights.

Joel shrugged his flannel from his shoulders and pulled the undershirt from his torso, carefully folding them over the back of the ‘I’ll sort it out later’ chair before then unzipping his jeans and stepping out from them.

In any normal circ*mstance, he’d opt to throw on an old clean tee and a pair of sleep pants and maybe even freshen up before crawling into bed beside her…but tonight his head hurt, eyes stung and body ached. His heart was pained and he was beyond exhausted. All he wanted was to feel her skin warm to the touch against his own without barriers.

He lowered himself down beside her, not even bothering to tuck them both in beneath the quilt before encasing his body around hers. Something in his chest easing as she so naturally settled within his arms. Joel placed a feather light kiss, so soft and affectionate to nape of her neck, breathing her familiar and homely scent in as he felt his lids grow heavy.

He had almost drifted away when Ava’s voice sounded, all croaky and full of sleep as she mumbled, “Where’ve you been?”

There was a beat of silence as Joel debated on telling her the truth. Not right now, he decided whist adjusting his hold on her just that little more comfortably, “Jus’ had a few things to tend to, s’all.”

She didn’t respond as she settled back down into him, her breaths evening out as she began to slip back into the realm of sleep. His lips found the back of her head, resting there gently as he felt her relax, “Go back t’sleep, sweetheart. M’here now.”

Her voice was but a drowsy murmur, breathed quietly from her lips as her arms came up to entangle themselves around the one he had resting beneath her weary head, “Love you…”

“Love you too…”

More than you could ever imagine…

Chapter 7: Lavender

Chapter Text

Joel tossed and turned that night. Sleep desperately trying to sink its claws into his flesh and drag him into its peaceful void for it to only be intercepted by his insistent restlessness. His consciousness only leaving his soul for a maximum of thirty minutes at a time and each interval that his lids involuntarily flickered back open, she was still there, his Ava, tucked up and sound beneath his chin. Her dainty palms resting against his chest, her warm breath even against the skin of his throat and the soft silk of her nighty pressed up against his stomach whilst her leg slotted so naturally between his own. She was still there… must stay there for all of eternity… and then his mind would jumpstart once again. Does he tell her his idea? Or would she just panic? Can he persuade Tess? What weapons to take? The best route to get there? Where this plea for help might take him once it’s out in the open for the world to hear? How far would he be willing to travel? Iowa, Ohio, New York? Back to Texas, Mexico and beyond? Across the border and into Canada, further again for Alaska and sh*t… even up and up until he reached the f*cking moon?

The answer to that question was the easiest to respond to: He’d travel as far, high and wide as it goddamn takes…

His eyes vacantly focused on the threadbare fibres of the grey drapes that hang over their window, offering a sense of privacy from the outside. The pads of his finger tips subconsciously grazing back and forth along her spine as he observed how the light seeping in turned from barely there and then into this dim indigo glow. He can’t lay there for much longer… can’t stand to continue on with the ‘what if’s’ and ‘when’s’ that replay over and over within his exhausted mind. The urgency to act becoming all consuming.

It was barely six in the morning when he gave up his fight for sleep. Placing a soft and steady kiss to the fluffy patch of baby hair that framed her temple before untangling his limbs from hers and creeping away.

He let the water burn as it rained down from the shower head, the steam swaddling his body as the scorching liquid trickled into his eyes. The bottom of the shower curtain sticking to the tub, creating his own solitary escape as he stood in the dark, refusing to subject his bleary retinas to any kind of light and he wanted it to hurt. He allowed the molten liquid to cascade over his form, wishing he could only ramp up the temperature even more as each trickle melted his tender skin with a fiery burn. He relished in it; his numb body feeling the closest thing to alive since those wretched words left Dr Zhao’s lips. He wanted the burn, wanted it to disintegrate the heavy weight bestowed upon his shoulders. Her precious life now solely in the protection of his hands…

There were two bars of soap side by side on the baths edge closest to the wall. His more muted and minty whilst hers could be smelt from where he stood, all floral and lavender, the humidity and heat of the tiny space he enclosed himself within only serving to intensify its pleasant odour. His fingers reached for hers, the bar melting bubbles across his shoulders and down his chest as he scrubbed it into his body until the skin beneath turned red. A hope that his flesh would absorb it and hold onto its signature scent- the scent that he’d ultimately come to associate with his wife. That he’d still smell of her as he leaves Jackson’s gates, that it would soak into and linger on his clothes so that he could bury his nose within his collar on a night and feel some small sense of comfort that she was still with him. Anything to ease the pain of not having her at his side for the upcoming days…

The pour of searing water ceased as he rotated the faucet, a silence falling amongst the oppressive billows of steam that clouded around and stuck all clammy and hot to his body. The cotton towel draped over the sink was swiftly patted down over his torso before being hung loosely around his hips. Joel stepped out from the tub, reaching for the window and cracking it open. A breath of fresh air hitting him straight in the face and revitalising him more than a lonely shower ever could, its gentle breeze fanning over his bare skin to send a small shiver through his limbs. He watched, just for a moment as the clouds of steam bled out through the opening to dispel beneath the new mornings sun; it felt as if it should have had a big meaning- something for him to reflect back on. He couldn’t work out what it was.

With a deep sigh he turned his back, fists balled and rubbing the remaining drowsiness from his still tired eyes. In a different universe, one where the word ‘cancer’ didn’t mock and taunt him through all hours of both day and night, he’d still have her in him arms all warm and snug and safe. In a different world, he’d have her in a home with three kids of their own and the idea of infected being nothing but a ridiculous fallacy that professionals would laugh at whenever a tin foil hatted conspiracy theorist would suggest such a thing as being a potential threat…

It seemed insane that he’d now lived more years in this new world than the old… It still sometimes felt as if it was just yesterday that the planet crumbled apart in front of his eyes, civilisation falling to pieces with it.

Joel huffed as he stepped back into the bedroom. The same old grey tee that he’d owned for more years that he’d like to admit pulled over his head and the faded now slightly rough towel dropped from his waist to be replaced by a clean pair of boxers and a tatty pair of jeans. The large scrap of bobbled fabric in his hands then being used to roughly dry the outgrown mop of greyed waves upon his head, leaving it damp and tousled.

He glanced up towards Ava, her bare sun kissed shoulders peaking out from above the duvet and her face still smushed down into his pillow and it was a sight he wanted to ingrain into his memories. His feet moved in utter silence as he grabbed the green chequered flannel hung upon the closet door and his half full rucksack- one that was always prepped in case he needed to leave in a hurry, before then creeping towards the bedside cabinet.

Tugging at its handle he rummaged for his knife, stuffing it into his pack and then going back for the three Polaroids that always went with him when venturing outside of Jackson; one of the day at the lake almost twelve years ago, one of their wedding day and then a more recent one, taken on his birthday eve five years ago where Lily had sat up on his shoulders, with Ava wrapped against his right side and Ellie at his left. A small smile tugged to his lips before then stuffing them into his front jean pocket. The final items he reached for were a sharpened pencil and a scrap of paper.

Joel closed the drawer and crouched down to its surface, the tip of the pencil resting against the small sheet and he pondered. An excuse or the truth? To tell her his plans or simply say he’s needed on a long patrol? He began to write.

‘ Don’t panic. I’ll be home in a few days. I need-‘

“Where are you going?” Her breathy sleep ridden voice flowed into his ears, stopping his excuse of a note in its tracks.

He hadn’t heard her turn and toss behind him. Hadn’t sensed how her eyes fluttered open in this early hour to find him sat fully dressed with his bag at his feet. He turned his attention towards her, tongue in cheek with the same two choices coming to mind.

“I recognise that look in your eye, baby.” She cooed, her own eyes almost pleading, “Please don’t tell me a lie…”

Joel swallowed thickly, his brows pinching at the front before averting his gaze. He sucked at his teeth for a second before deciding that a lie would be futile, that she was already suspicious and how they had promised each other years ago that they’d stop doing exactly this. He shifted from his crouched position to perch on the side of the mattress, facing his wife. He held an open palm out, a request for her hand that she gladly obliged to. He brought it up to his mouth with their fingers entwined, pressing a gentle kiss to each of her knuckles. His voice low and soft, “I ain’t ever lettin’ you go without a fight, darlin’…”

He felt her demeanour drop. As if the early hours of a fresh day had caused her to momentarily forget and he the one to remind her. She looked pained as she closed her eyes and sighed, “Joel…”

His grip on her dainty hand squeezed, anything to keep her listening- to make her understand. That she was the core of his world, the reason he was truly able to start over and become the man, the father that he was today. How with Ellie’s help too, she was able to make him drop and leave that hardened mask of his behind and embrace something that was softer and easier, “Last night, I-I went back to Dr Zhao. I asked him what medication or equipment would be needed to- to... We might not have it available here but what’s to say that somewhere else don’t?”

He watched her eyes flicker back open, a mixture of guilt and sorrow as she listened to his words, “Listen to me, Ave. Jus’ hear me out. The kid I met in Kansas City, the one with your condition?”

Joel waited for her to nod before proceeding, “That was Sam, the same kid we named our little boy after. He had leukaemia too, and they treated it- they cured him. It might be scarce but damn it, treatment is still out there in some places and I gotta try, baby, I gotta try.”

Ava swallowed the growing lump in her throat, her words barely above a whisper as she repeated her initial query, “Where are you going?”

He reached forward, thumbing the sliver of wetness away from her lash-line, “Gonna head up to Cody with Ellie… maybe Tess as well. There’s that radio tower there n’ so I’m gonna put a message out to trade for the meds n’ hope that it’s heard…”

“Trade what?”

“Whatever it takes… I’ll negotiate.”

“Isn’t Cody overrun with infected? What if the tower is full of them?”

“Then we’ll clear it.” He hoped that she could read the determination behind his eyes and words. That there was absolutely nothing and nobody that he would allow to stand in his way. It seemed that she had, with the way her body softened in front of him.

She raised her fingers, bringing them to his jaw and danced them across the salt and peppered scruff. Her nails gently scratching into the skin beneath as she leant forwards to close the space between them. Her lips soft on his for only a second before opening up to ask for something deeper, more intimate.

He fed into her, kissing her back. Sucking onto her tongue as his nose pressed into her cheek and his palms cupped her face. The warm wetness of her mouth tasting of the love, want and appreciation that she had for him. Savouring the flavour of what was fourteen years of being happily married to his soulmate; years that he wanted so badly to turn into many decades. Decades more of early mornings spent on the front porch with her in his lap as he strummed the strings of his guitar whilst she sipped on her mug of steaming coffee, decades more of watching their little girl grow up and mature into the woman she was slowly becoming, decades more of him and her in this home where the foundations were built on the affection and devotion they had for one another.

Neither of them needed to say those three little words when their actions felt and tasted like that. To verbalise it would almost make it less meaningful.

He pulled back, forehead resting against hers, lips puffy and noses still brushing, “I’ll be home in four days… Tell Lil that I’m on patrol and that I’m sorry I didn’t wait for her to wake up before leavin’.”

———————————————————————

It was just after seven thirty by the time he reached Tess’s front door. His large fist leaving three heavy knocks before taking a step back and waiting.

She answered after a minute, cheeks flushed pink, long hair wrapped in a disheveled bun and a robe haphazardly wrapped around her. It was a look he was once very familiar with as a smirk tugged to his lips whilst he looked over her shoulder towards the staircase where the creaks of floorboards and then the sound of the shower could be heard. His focus darted back to her with an arched brow and arms folded across his front.

Tess had always been a private woman, much like himself prior to meeting Ava. He could see the panic in her eye at the notion of her privacy being breached. This wasn’t something he was meant to be privy to, not something she wanted him to know about. He watched as the panic turned into frustration and then into a sternness. Tess pointed at his chest and bristled, “Don’t say a single word. Just don’t.”

Wiping the smirk from his cheeks was an impossible task, one he just simply couldn’t do but he managed to raise his hands to each side of his shoulders and shrug, “I ain’t seen nothin’.”

She rolled her eyes, the annoyed shake of her head doing very little to hide the smirk that now matched his own, “ Jesus Christ … What are you doing here, anyway? What do you want?”

And suddenly the atmosphere grew serious, the smugness of invading her privacy dissipating just as the steam did earlier in the open air, “I, uh, I need your help with somethin’…”

“Mmm, ambiguous…” She co*cked her brow whilst tightening the tie of her dressing gown, “You gonna give me any more details or do I have to guess? Because as you’ve already probably established, I’m kind of in the middle of something, Joel.”

Joel scratched his brow and sniffed inwards, “M’headin’ up to Cody… gotta clear out the tower and could use a hand…”

“No.” Her face was flat, as was her tone.

“Tess, please. Y’know I wouldn’t ask unless I was real f*ckin’ desperate. You n’ Ellie are the only people I trust to fully have my back out there,” and sh*t, he could even smell it on himself, the way he reeked of sheer desperation.

He observed how her jaw clenched as her eyes scanned over him from head to toe, trying to determine the source of his imperativeness, expecting him to explain himself further before coming to a concrete decision on her response.

She didn’t have to ask him to expand, he knew she expected it and that she wouldn’t agree unless she had an understanding. Joel wetted his lips and took a breath, fingers anxiously carding his still-damp hair back off his forehead, “Ave’s gonna die, Tess, if I don’t get a message out from that tower. I can’t lose my wife, not when I can do somethin’ about it… I can’t let my lil’ girl lose her Mom. You understand?”

“The f*ck do you mean that she’s gonna die? She was fine the other day?”

“No, she wasn’t… I ain’t pissin’ about.” His gaze dropped to the ground beneath his feet, “She’s sick, Tess. She’s sick and there ain’t anythin’ here to treat it with. She’ll f*ckin’ die if I don’t find the meds that she needs…”

Tess closed her eyes solemnly with a small nod.

He continued to explain himself, his utter desperation seeping out in a form of uncharacteristic word vomit, “I’ll jus’ get myself killed if I go out there alone, I know it. I can’t risk that… can’t risk Lils endin’ up alone. We’ve travelled so far over the years, me n’ you… think of all the sh*t we worked through together? From Tennessee all the way to f*ckin’ Boston we had each others backs and kept each other alive. All the smugglin’ deals? Trips to here, there n’ everywhere. This is small in comparison, Tess. Same state, open country - won’t even come across a single soul… I-I’ll never ask anythin’ of you again. Ellie’ll be there too, but…”

“f*ck, stop begging.” She cut him off, dragging a palm down over her face, “Hearing you beg- it’s so f*cking weird coming from you so just- just stop.”

He did, swallowing thickly as he waited for her to give him anything, even if it was just to turn him away.

Tess sighed, the palm covering her eyes moving up to cup her forehead, “f*ck…Alright. Fine.” The same hand then dropped to clap against her thigh, “Cody, right?”

“Two days there. Two days back.” Joel confirmed, brows raised so that his forehead creased.

She nodded whilst sucking in a deep breath. He could hear the gulp of her throat before her head turned to glance up her own stairs before looking back at him, “But I need you to give me a minute.”

“Ellie’s meetin’ me at the barn for ten so you gotta couple of hours, meet us there. I’m headin’ over to the shop now to grab supplies.”

———————————————————————

As impatient as he was, he arrived at the barn early. His only other option being to go home for the half an hour instead but he feared that the hours between him kissing his wife goodbye and now would have only lead her to mull this whole idea over in her mind and come to the conclusion that actually, no, she wasn’t happy about it going ahead. He hadn’t told her that he was actually leaving at ten, that he’d given himself extra time to guilt trip Tess into coming with him. No, as far as Ava was concerned, he had left for the barn the very moment the front door clicked shut. He couldn’t cope with arguing with her at the moment, he didn’t want a tension created between them- the whole reason for telling her the truth at half past six that morning instead of running with a lie that would have ultimately bit him in the ass the moment he got home.

He liked to think he’d made progress over the years- with Ava, at least. Being open and voicing the thoughts in his mind had become easier with her. The only lies leaving his lips in the space of their four walls being that of Santa and the Tooth Fairy- although he knew he’d have to come clean about those within the next twelve months now that Lily was getting older- he felt as if she was already becoming suspicious.

Ava had come along way as well, he thought. She listened more and lashed out a lot less.

They hadn’t properly fought in many many years, now opting to talk any growing tensions out in a more collected and mature way. No poisonous words spat, no objects thrown or storming out on one another. They’d become healthier, less toxic- what their relationship and marriage should have always been. They were a bonded team, working in step at all times instead of the two separate entities they both once were. He’d always loved her…long before he even first admitted to it out loud but he’d be lying to himself if he said that things had always been perfect between them. However, they had been pretty damn close to perfect in more recent years and that minus the fact of infected existing, what he has in this moment had been what he dreamed of as a young man.

Joel let his pack drop from his shoulder just outside of Blaze’s stall, the horses large head poking out over the stable door as he watched his rider prop up each of the three rifles.

The animal snorted as Joel’s hand came up to gently scratch at the centre of its forehead.

“Mornin’ old boy, got a bit of a trek ahead of us. Reckon you can handle that? I reckon you can.” He drawled lowly before taking a step back.

Joel took the time to go ahead and tack up Shimmer and Odin, deciding that they could leave sooner by doing so, before then returning to his own gelding and slinging his saddle over the stable door.

He took his time saddling up, ensuring the girth wasn’t too tight before getting on but tight enough that the hunk of leather wouldn’t slip off. He adjusted the bridle so that it sat comfortably around blaze’s face, counting the rings of the horses lip to make sure the bit wasn’t pulled up too high or too low. Joel stretched out the animals front legs, warming up his muscles and to be certain that nothing was pinching uncomfortably.

Ellie appeared a short moment after, peering up over the stable door as he straightened back up, “So… is it just me and you or-“

Both of their heads perked up as Tess’s voice called out in response from down the aisle, “I’m here, I’m here!”

She jogged over to where he and the younger woman stood, “We all set?”

Joel nodded, giving Blaze a firm pat to the croup, “Yeah, all set. Got Shimmer and Odin all tacked up n’ ready so grab a gun and let’s get outta here.”

Ellie flashed a roguish grin to them both as she slung one of the rifles across her shoulder, “Awh, doesn’t this feel nostalgic, huh? Only difference is that Joel actually wants me here this time!”

Tess huffed a laugh whilst Joel rolled his eyes with the now bitty and vague memory of leaving Boston that fateful night very much in mind.

“Yeah well, you grew on me over time…” He smirked with a wink as he tugged down his stirrup.

Ellie looked between them both once more before backing up to Shimmers stall on the opposite side of the aisle, her grin only twisting that little bit more, “It’s like I’m going on a trip with my two divorced parents…”

It was hilarious, to her, how the pair were still so in sync with one another. Watching smugly as their eyes both rolled in beat and how the word ‘ don’t ’ was snapped at her in jinx. At that very moment, she knew that three of them would be just fine.

———————————————————————

The day was proving to be warm once again, with the late morning sun beating harshly down on their backs as they trekked across Wyomings vast landscape. All over-shirts had subsequently been shrugged off and either shoved into a pack or knotted around a waist, a sticky sheen reflecting off the skin on the back of their necks.

“Why do you always need to travel across the country in the middle of summer? Every f*cking time… it’s all flies and sweat and heat…” Ellie complained, her and Shimmer a few strides ahead.

Joel simply grunted in response, “Rather the heat than riskin’ hypothermia every time I close my eyes.”

“But why is it never spring or autumn?”

He shook his head, “Please accept my greatest apologies, Ellie. I’ll ask whoever it is that’s intent on f*ckin’ up my life to pick a different month next time…”

They plodded along in silence for a little while longer, the large bodies of water attracting swarms of flies and mosquitoes that they each continued to swat away with their arms.

Joel couldn’t help his inquisitiveness as he glanced towards Tess who still rode at his side. A question that had continued to burn his tongue from the very moment he knocked on her front door earlier that morning. He waited for her to sense his eyes burning into the side of her head before he spoke, “I’m curious…”

“Joel’s curious.” She repeated. A statement more than a question.

His focus flicked back ahead, trying to judge the distance between them and Ellie. Trying to establish if she would be able to hear them or not. His eyes narrowing and deciding that she wouldn’t, the smirk from earlier tugging back to his lips, “Tell me. Who these days is worthy of the company of Theresa Servopolous?”

Tess snorted with a shake of the head, “Pass.”

Joel’s brows raised in mock surprise; not that he truly believed she’d offer the information up that easily, “Pass?”

“Mhmm, pass. None of your business.”

It was the perfect way to distract himself, to taunt and wind up his longest friend. In all honesty, he couldn’t give less of a f*ck who was between her legs so long as she was happy. The smugness across his face spread, “It’s Seth, ain’t it?”

Of course it wasn’t Seth. They both shared the same thoughts on the guy- that he was an absolute prick of a man. He’d even go as far as to say that even if Seth was the last man alive, he’d still never find himself in Tess’s bed. He honestly had no clue on who it could possibly be but suggesting Seth for reactions sake, would always be a form of entertainment.

“Of course it ain’t f*cking Seth.” She snapped, “I’m not telling you, Joel so forget it.”

“Ouch.”

And then she bit the bait, “Unlike you, I don’t need to shove my love life down everyone’s throat. I prefer the privacy.”

He chuckled along to that. He used to be a man of privacy himself, so private that his true feelings were never even shared with his own partner back when him and Tess were whatever the f*ck it was they were. That all changed when he met Ava though, when she jogged up to him in those too tight cargo pants to return his water flask after yet another night spent together and he saw all eyes ogling her. When a rush of possessiveness and jealousy consumed him and forced him to ensure that the whole world knew exactly who Ava Monroe belonged to.

His grin widened, “You met my wife? She’s stunnin’ n’ I’m pretty damn smug ‘bout it. O’course I wanna show her off.”

Tess snorted, recognising his attempts to rile her, “God, what happened to you? It’s like you’ve morphed into Tommy over the years. The woman’s made you soft.”

Joel scoffed, his cheeks flushing ever so slightly as his head bowed. She had softened him, more and more with every passing year after Seattle. His near death experience birthing a whole new perspective and appreciation for his little family.

“Why you so interested in who was in my house, anyway?” She questioned.

He smiled at her, one that was nothing but genuine, “Just wanna see you happy, Tess. It’s what we all deserve, s’all.”

She smiled back, one as warm and sincere as his own, “I am.”

———————————————————————

They rode right into the night. Until the blazing sun sunk down behind the horizon and the red, pink and orange hues were replaced by a sea of black, with a trillion twinkling stars above and a rejuvenating cool breeze.

They rode until Joel’s lack of rest caught up with him, until the cavity within his skull began to pressurise and coil into something so unfortunately familiar and agonising. It feeling as if his brain had swelled to an abnormal size and was throbbing hard against the boney plates that protected it.

His face twisted and contorted until he couldn’t take it anymore, until his vision tunnelled and his hands trembled, “Gotta hole up for the night. Can’t carry on like this, gonna end up passin’ out.”

Yet another reason why he needed others to have his back when outside the safety of the gates. The long lasting effects from his brutal injuries from almost a decade ago. More than glad to have survived but to make an independent and self sufficient man dependent? It was more than cruel. He couldn’t have it all. Couldn’t continue to live with his sins of the past without some sort of punishment. Perhaps this is what this all was… perhaps a life of debilitating pain and dependency wasn’t enough of a penance for the crimes he once committed. Perhaps taking her away from him was the gods way of serving justice. For his own life to have been spared but to have to live in complete misery for the rest of his years.

A small wooded area wasn’t too far away in front and they soon settled in for the night ahead. The usual still applied; a cold tinned dinner, no fire and someone always on watch. Sleeping bags were rolled out in a specific formation, one that provided them with the optimum protection not that they believed that anyone else would be in the immediate area.

Joel laid himself back almost immediately with eyes scrunched closed, his horizontal position alleviating much of the unbearable pressure pretty instantly and a huff of relief escaped through his lips.

Nobody spoke for a little while, the only sound being just the scrapes of forks finding the last remnants of the beef stew that Jackson always had canned up for those leaving on long patrols or supply runs. He decided to skip out on dinner, his migraine dominating his other basic needs and squandering any kind of appetite.

It was Ellie who chirped up first after seeing his eyes flicker open and stare up at the clear night sky above, deciding that his head must have eased enough, “So Joel?”

“Hm?”

She shifted a little closer to him, crossing her legs and resting her elbows on the crease of her knees, “You didn’t wanna talk about it last night but clearly something’s up just by the urgency of it all. You’ve dragged us both out here…can we have some sort of explanation?”

Joel’s focus flickered over to her, lingering for a second before then glancing over to Tess, a silent conversation starting between them as he noted the subtle furrow in her brows.

‘She doesn’t know?’

‘I ain’t told her yet, no.’

‘It’s not fair to drag her out here and not tell her. Rip the band aid off, Joel. Do it now.’

‘Fine.’

Ellie looked between them, understanding a conversation was taking place but not fully understanding the context. It was, however, enough to establish that whatever it was, Tess already knew. She huffed a small laugh, “Ah, I see. Alright, let me rephrase. Joel, you show up at my house at one in the morning. You’re now dragging me with you to the radio tower in Cody to send out a seemingly urgent message. I would really like to know, what the f*ck is going on?”

He ground his teeth before his lids dropped shut with a heavy sigh. His head all but span with his brain feeling like a heavy weight as he forced himself to sit upright to face the young woman, a heavy palm rubbing down his face and pinching at the desolation in his eyes. If this is how he felt telling Ellie, how in the hell was he supposed to cope with breaking the news to Lily?

Joel cleared his throat, “Y’know how Ave collapsed on you the other week?”

She nodded, her eyes full of concern as the memory replayed within her mind.

“Yeah… well, uh, the docs, they wanted to investigate and they ran some tests… Thought that maybe it was just a virus or somethin’ but… it ain’t.” He sucked in a deep breath, eyes falling down to his hands that tugged at the cuffs of his flannel.

Ellie studied how his body language slowly drowned. Her own stomach slowly dropping and feeling heavy as her heart rate picked up. Her voice turned small as she encouraged him to continue, “then what is it?”

He swallowed thickly, “Remember Sam and how Henry mentioned that he had a disease called leukaemia? And that getting the treatment for Sam was the reason why he was being targeted?”

She nodded, her brows knitting together.

“Yeah, well. Leukaemia’s a form of cancer- it ain’t somethin’ that clears up on its own. It just gets worse. There ain’t much of the treatment left anymore and we don’t have any of it back home…” Again, his index finger and thumb pinched into the corners of his eyes, ready to rid the evidence of any wetness that may try to escape.

“Gets worse? So… what?” Ellie could feel herself beginning to choke up as the grim reality of this illness settled into her. She knew what cancer was, she went to school. She’d just never had to witness it, never had a loved one suffer with it to truly understand how devastating it was, “You’re saying that if we don’t get our hands on this treatment that she’ll just… die?”

Joel bobbed his head, the glassiness of his eyes reflecting the glow of the moon as he tried to blink it away. A small sniffle sounding from him as he titled his head back to focus once again on the stars up ahead.

She took a shaky breath, rubbing her suddenly heavy eyes with the heels of her palms. She’d never seen Ava as a mother figure but she loved her nonetheless as a listening ear and good friend over the past fifteen years. The first friendly face she could rely on outside of Joel, Tommy and Maria when they first arrived. The woman who would wipe her tears after a nightmare as a teen, the woman who ended up giving her the equivalent of a sibling, the woman who loved the man she saw as a father so unconditionally. Not her mother figure but a love lost that would leave a gaping hole in her heart… “f*ck…I-I… sh*t, Joel… I’m so f*cking sorry. S-she doesn’t deserve that… nor do you… or Lily and-“ a breathy tearless sob expelled from her, “It’s not fair…”

“No, kid. It really ain’t…”

Their camp fell into a solemn silence as they mourned what felt inevitable despite currently heading out to do all that they could to prevent it.

Tess cautiously cleared her throat, her voice calm and soothing, “I’m going to take first watch. Joel, you need to rest. Ellie, get your head down and I’ll wake you up when I physically can’t keep my eyes open any longer…”

———————————————————————

He let Tess go and waited until he saw Ellie sink down into her sleeping bag before cocooning himself in his own. His back turned against the camp so he was facing the edge of their woodland hideout. The emotion within him was running at an all time high, he’d held it together well all day, much better than he had anticipated but having to tell Ellie? The girl he considered as his daughter? That just served to break his heart that bit more.

Joel pulled the collar of his tee up and over his nose and then inhaled deeply. His tension easing just enough at the familiar smell of lavender, thankful that the material of his clothes had reacted just as he hoped to the bar of soap used that morning. It certainly wasn’t the same as having her beneath his chin with her body warm and soft against his own but just the scent of her alone was enough to ease him into a reluctant slumber.

His mind falling asleep to an old, tender and harmless moment from many years ago…

11th May 2026

It had been one of those days that almost felt like a luxury. With a virus hitting the town in the past week and members of the team dropping sick left right and centre, managing the patrols had been taxing to say the very least. He’d gone out all seven days without being able to afford himself a day off and each day there seemed to be additional threats on top. Monday had been an aggressive moose and its calf blocking the path and charging whenever they pushed too close, Tuesday brought with it three clickers that had somehow managed to venture into the check point- that was supposed to be locked up! On Wednesday they experienced torrential rain causing the banks of the lake to swell and flood, Thursday had left them with a party of raiders to contend with resulting in a bullet graze to the thigh that required stitches and then just as he’d had enough of what felt like the worst week in a long time, Friday brought with it a knight in shining armour that came in the form of his younger brother. Struck by sickness but recently recovered and eager to relieve some of the pressure, the younger Miller picked up the second of what would have been a double patrol shift for Joel.

“Go home to Ava, big brother,” He had smiled, “I’ve got it. Take the afternoon off to rest and be with your wife.”

And rest is exactly what he did. With the living room curtains drawn to dowse the space in a homely dimness, and the blue glow of the television screen lighting up the walls behind, he laid sprawled out across the couch with Ava tucked into his side closest to the cushions as the first Curtis and Viper movie played before them.

Neither were paying much attention to the television, not whilst a better entertainment had been found within the little life that they had created. The little life that they were yet to know the sex of, opting to wait until the very moment they were born to find out for sure, although it seemed that everyone around them had an opinion on what they were expecting and some old wives tale spieled of to them with the affirmation that ‘it’s never been wrong so far!’

The one thing they did know for sure was that their kid certainly packed a punch. Little arms and feet kicking out at all hours of the day and night, and never did it not fill Joel’s heart with a fuzzy warmness to know that his wife was beyond thrilled to be having his baby as she giggled blissfully along to each movement within her.

Tonight, she lay next to him on the couch, her vest top pulled up and tucked beneath her engorged breasts to expose the eight month swell of her stomach as Joel carefully placed a singular fluff of popcorn to the peak of her bump. Their eyes meeting as they waited for it to start, counting how many tiny kicks and punches it would take for the piece of popcorn to topple into the crease where their bodies met. It was seven the first time, two the second- thanks to Ava’s persistent giggling that aided its fall substantially and then five on the third try.

Picking the fallen popped kernel up from his thigh, he placed it between her lips and watched as the sticky sugar of it melted onto her tongue before placing a large palm over the area where his son or daughter grew beneath. Feeling no greater sense of belonging as his tiny baby reacted to his gentle touch through his beloved wife, smiling dumbly at her each time he felt a small foot or hand thump against his own.

His other palm came up to cradle the side of Ava’s jaw. She was gorgeous, so f*cking beautiful and glowing all for him and there was nobody that he’d rather share this new chapter of his life with. His thumb gently grazed over the softness of her skin and he could see the way her eyes melted into him, looking at him as if he was the only man on the planet. She was the only woman on his, the only woman he would ever be capable of seeing after coming to the conclusion many, many months ago that she had ruined him for anybody else… not that he ever planned on being anyone else’s. No, this pretty little blonde whose smile carried nothing but devotion was it for him.

The grin on his face never subsided as he leant in to capture her lips with his own, all soft and tender and sweet. Only pulling away, with bigger smiles spreading across their cheeks as another kick was pressed into his palm and the words he’d always wanted to hear were breathed quietly as if it were a secret into his skin. Her hand covering the one resting against her stomach with her fingers lacing between his own.

“Mommy and Daddy are so excited to meet you, baby.” And then she looked beyond the brown of his eyes and directly into his soul, “I’m so in love with you, Joel that it makes my heart ache…”

Chapter 8: Haunt

Chapter Text

It had been a very long while since the dark was felt as such an ominous void. A vast obsidian, a starless canvas, one that stretched over and all around her. All consuming as it's torturous silence seeped into every crevice of her skin, soaking into her brittle bones. There was no ground beneath her, nothing to break the fall and so she fell hopelessly. The velocity only picking up with each passing second. Faster and faster she hurtled down, down, down further into the never ending pit of nothingness. The panic of the fall shifting into a stomach churning, breath stealing fear as the silence perished to be replaced with the sounds and noises that haunted her most. Riley's laugh, David's taunts, Ava's shrieks, Dina's cries, the thud of Jesse's body dropping down onto the theatre floor, Abby's determined grunts, the sickening crunch as teeth bit through the knuckles of her fingers, gun fire- so much gun fire and then... clicks. Low and guttural, first far in the distant echoing around and then suddenly breathed right down her neck and into the shell of her ear- so so blood curdlingly close that all the tiny hairs stood stiffly on end, that her heart lurched and limbs seized.

Then came the strobing flares, glowing all eery and scarlet to highlight the surrounding shadows for brief milliseconds at a time- like a warning siren that continues to relentlessly sound over and over. Within each flashing image lies gnashing gnarly teeth, thick stale crimson dripping from rotting flesh, skulls split apart by fungal blooms and vining tendrils creeping closer and closer despite still falling. The croaks contorting into primitive and desperate screeches but the sound is no longer generic, the creature no longer a faceless beast. No, beneath the decay, beneath the grotesque mutations and animalistic behaviours is that of the people she loves most; it shape shifted from Dina, to Ava, to Tess, to Jesse and then... Joel. It always ends with Joel... snarling mellowing to whimpers and his arm reaching desperately out towards her. His palm splayed open, ready to grab her from the fall... a lull, a weightlessness, a temporary calm but then the tendrils creep and spread from beneath the cuff of his sleeve, sentient threads winding and twisting towards her. They swirl in the air edging closer and closer, she cannot move. Cannot escape. With her eyes frantically searching for safety and sanctuary within the man that's only ever provided just that... but he's gone and it's teeth are bared and there's no way out. She opens her mouth to scream but the only noise emitted is that of the monstrous creature before her as it lunges for her throat.

Ellie jolted upright and back to life, breaths catching agonisingly within her shrivelled lungs as she gasped and gaped for oxygen with her hands grasping desperately at her heart that beat violently against her sternum. Her body jittered, limbs trembling as her eyes bulged from her skull. Eyes that frantically searched her surroundings for anything that might confirm that it was all in her head. She felt the crumble of dirt and woodland floor beneath her, then landed on Joel who had turned in the night to now face her. He was still there, still Joel, not a shroom or tendril in sight. None of it was real.

She sucked in a deep composing breath, holding it for a few seconds to feel the way it stabilised her her mind before blowing it back out between her teeth. She drew her knees up to her chest, resting her chin upon them. Her face tilted, attention drawing back over towards Joel. It seemed that it wasn't just herself struggling tonight with the darkness and pain that resided within them both. His expression wasn't at peace either, his brows drawn tight with deep creases in the surrounding skin. She could hear the quiet mumbles and grunts from where she was sat. Grumbles of 'Sarah', 'Ava', 'Lily' and at one point was convinced her own name had sounded from his lips. She wondered how long it had been since he'd last had those dreams... she thought they'd stopped a long time ago...

Even her own terrors had placated since settling back down with Dina. Perhaps that’s what it was; having a body so full of light and warmth settling down besides both of their own, being enough to warn off the demons that only seemed to strike under the cover of darkness. Ava and Dina were alike in certain ways...in how they presented themselves in both her own and Joel's lives. Their missing puzzle pieces, so to speak. She snorted to herself. It was almost funny how her life ended up mirroring the man's in front of her in so many aspects. Learned behaviours, maybe?

It was futile to try and return to sleep. She wasn't tired anymore anyway. Instead, she remained sat there, her mind mulling over each and every life choice she ever made. 'Everything happens for a reason' she had once been told... Riley lead to the discovery of her immunity... which lead her to Joel... that lead to Jackson...that lead to the fireflies... that lead to Washington... that lead her back to Dina but... it felt hard to believe that losing Ava would lead to anything other than heartbreak and loss? It almost felt like it would be the dead end to it all... It would be the end of Joel. She knew that much.

Ellie sniffed, wiping her nose across the denim of her knee before glancing up ahead. She could just about make out Tess's silhouette amongst the line of trees, still standing guard over their little camping spot. She had no idea of the exact time but the moon was definitely glowing beyond the half way mark and Tess wasn't young anymore by any means- she must be feeling the exhaustion creeping in by this point.

Ellie patted her palms down on the earth surrounding her sleeping bag, feeling around in the dirt before padding down onto something rounded and solid. Picking the small pebble up into her grasps, she over arm threw it and watched as Tess's body jerked at the impact between her shoulder blades. The older woman shot around, ready to rain down hail on any incoming threat. It pulled a smirk to Ellie's lips as Tess’s eyes settled onto her with an exasperated head shake before stomping her way over.

The rifle was dropped from her shoulder as she approached, "Was about to blow your f*cking head off..."

"Nah, you weren't." Ellie grinned quietly, jutting her chin towards Joel, "You're not like him. You look properly first before you shoot."

Tess snorted, "He ain't that bad, gotta give him some credit."

"I'll let him have some..." She shrugged, "did keep me alive all those years ago."

She watched as Tess's attention fell onto Joel, her brows furrowing and demeanour dropping ever so slightly as she turned back, "He still mumbles in his sleep…"

Ellie's gaze dropped to the ground beneath her legs with a slight shake of her head, voice low, "I asked Ava about it a few years back. She had no idea what I was talking about..."

"Huh..." The furrow in Tess's brows remained as she contemplated that piece of information.

The younger of the two went onto expand, "said that he gets terrors sometimes about Seattle and occasionally from before but.... none of" she gestured towards him as he continued to grumble, "that."

Tess wiped the frown from her expression with a sigh, her face solemnly softening as she wetted her lips, "Used to pretty much be a nightly occurrence... throughout all the years I've known him.” She hesitated before giving a small nod to the woman who was not with them, “She's been good for him, Ava... what he needed, clearly..."

"Why weren't you?" Ellie's eyes widened, the question tumbling out before she had the reflexes to stop it, her hand flying up to shamefully wipe down her face as if to hide away from her own insensitivity, "sh*t. Sorry... that- that came out all wrong."

There was no malice or hurt in the older woman's eyes. She simply grimaced with a shrug, "Things were different back then, Y’know…and me and Ava? We're two very different women. I forced him to carry on and survive... she forced him to feel his feelings." Tess paused for a beat, "Besides, he's changed... a lot. This isn't the same man he was two decades ago..."

Ellie frowned quizzically, "You don't think he would have got with her if he hadn't?"

She shook her head, "I don't think he would have been capable... I know I was only there for a few days when we got outta Boston and I can't speak for how quickly things changed up between you both after but he had the trigger of his gun ready to pull on you the entire time, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"He would have eaten the poor woman alive back then- that's even if he took the time to look at her in the first place," Tess snorted, "Best case scenario, he would have f*cked her and walked away..."

The frown on Ellie's face contorted to confusion, "He always said that he was like... loyal to you?"

"He was..." She started with another shrug and an almost unreadable grin to her face before taking a breath in, "What we were... it wasn't the same as him and Ava. It never was but you already know that. There were feelings there, yes but we didn't discuss to what extent. What we were wasn't linear... and there were a couple of times where I simply couldn't give him what he wanted for one reason or another... and so to get him off my back, I'd send him off to find what he wanted elsewhere. The only ground rules being that it would be a one time thing, don't bring anyone back to the apartment and don't go knocking anyone up- I knew he wasn't in any mental state to catch feelings for anyone else so I didn't have to worry about that...Only happened twice and only ever whilst we were in Boston... I did it once too, though he didn't like that much come the end. Neither of us strayed again after that point..."

Ellie found herself gaping. She knew that their... situation-ship(?) had been a little unorthodox from what Tess had told her back when they lived together but she struggled to get her head around that... "I'm not going to ask any of the questions in my head right now as I really don't think I want to know but... if that's the case, why were you so upset about him and Ava to start with?"

Tess shifted her weight, eyes glancing between where Joel still slept and Ellie, "because as soon as I saw that ring on his finger, I knew it was different- that he was different and that he wasn't coming back to me. I'd lost him and that hurt for a bit."

The younger woman ground her teeth as she mulled it over, "Does it still hurt now sometimes?"

She snorted, lowering herself to the end of Ellie's sleeping bag, "No. Ava is what this new version of him needs. I don't think I could've given myself to him in the same way she has… I would have just sent him backwards. Letting him go was for the best... He's happy and I got him back as a good friend anyway- what more could I ask for?"

Ellie nodded in agreement with a small smile twinkling through the dim light. She felt Tess then elbow her side.

"What you doing awake anyway? Told you to get some rest and I'd wake you when I was on my last legs."

"Just woke up. " She huffed, a weak smirk still tugging whilst omitting the real reason she was now wide awake during the ungodly hours of the early morning, "Don't need as much sleep as you old f*ckers. C'mon, let's swap. It's your turn to listen to him mumbling in his sleep for the next few hours..."

————————————————————————

Daylight breached the horizon only a few hours after. The sea of tranquil blues and purples being contrasted by a burst of deep orange as a new day set sail. There was no laying in, no warm drink to start the morning and no listening to the pretty tweets of the cicadas chirping away in the branches above. It was easy to forget just how cushy life really was within the safe walls of Jackson...the outside world always being there to provide a swift reminder when it was needed.

Joel had stirred the very moment the sun shone it's first golden rays through the fluttering mass of summer greenery. His eyes still heavy and hair a nest of scruff upon his head as he sat up.

Ellie couldn't help the grin on her face as she spotted him upright, retreating from her lookout spot to join him within the 'main camp.'

"Morning sleepy head." She taunted at him whilst nudging Tess with the toe of her boot to make the woman stir.

All she got in response was a grunt as he wiped a drowsy palm down over his face before then carding it back through his hair to push the messy locks off of his forehead.

She nudged Tess again with a bit more force, enough to make the older woman snap.

"I'm awake, Ellie! Jesus f*cking Christ- just give me a moment!"

They didn't hang about for long. Each rolling up their designated sleeping bags and taking a swig of water from their canisters before hauling saddles back onto their animals.

"C'mon," Joel's voice strained as he heaved himself onto Blaze's back, a sigh of relief escaping him as his ass hit down into the saddle, "If we ride long today, we can get there by tomorrow mornin', do what we gotta do and then get the f*ck back."

"Mmm, getting the f*ck back. I like the sound of that..." Tess agreed as she lead Odin into a clearing, using a fallen tree trunk as a mounting block to save her back.

Ellie was already on board and waiting, her youth evident in the speed that she could prepare herself with, "You're losing your edge, Tessy."

She glanced towards Joel, a small grin pulling at her lips as she saw him stifle back a chuckle and await the inevitable bite back from Tess.

She got the retaliation she had been after as she sensed the disdain radiating off of her.

"How many damn times have I told you not to call me that? Don't like it when Tommy does it- don't like it when you do either."

It didn't matter that she was now rapidly approaching thirty. There was still no bigger thrill than winding up and taunting the other adults around her - especially when the fuse to both of their tempers were shorter than their eye sight. She continued to smirk, "Jeez, someone got out of the wrong side of the sleeping bag..."

"You're doing watch tonight by yourself, kid- see how you f*cking feel the next morning..."

“An eight hour watch shift? Piece of piss and I bet I’ll still be fresher faced that you fogeys.”

Tess raised her brows as she glanced back, a sense of mutual amusem*nt crossing her lips, “It’ll catch up on you as soon as you hit thirty, sister. Middle age is just around the corner for you…”

“Yeah, yeah, alright grandma…”

“Grandma my ass…”

Pushing on ahead, Joel chimed in, “Only ever as old as you feel…”

Ellie grinned, nudging shimmers sides with her heels, “Oh yeah? And how are you feeling this morning, Joel?”

“f*ckin’ ancient…” He groaned without looking back.

————————————————————————-

The remainder of the trip to Cody was peaceful almost, the three of them accompanied by the summer sun and the whirl of a gentle breeze. It had been completely uneventful as their chosen route took them through miles and miles of rocky metamorphic Mountains and vast grassy plains. Out of the way of any civilisation, their path was clear from start to finish. Too remote for both infected and any individuals to come looking for trouble and allowing them the chance to absorb the beautiful state they now called home. Bald eagles soared gracefully overhead as the cotton tails of the rabbits around them scattered into the long grasses, black bears were spotted dawdling along in the distance and the sound of wolves howling into the abyss filled their evenings.

Yet no matter how serene the journey was, no matter how well the world was currently treating them- because they all knew too well that things could be one hell of a lot worse- Joel still continued to retract into himself that little bit more with each passing hour.

The jesting and joking halted as they broke way into their second afternoon on the road and remained that way then after. A sense of sobriety and severity taking its place instead as Joel reduced himself to near silence, only responding to questions with a grunt or one worded answers.

Ellie could see it… she believed Tess could too. In the tautness of his jaw, the stoicalness of his eye and the subtle flare of his nostrils- there lies a fear. A deep sitting fear that it’s not enough. A fear that it’s another wasted journey that stole away days of his time left with Ava. The mumbling only worsened on night two, his wife’s name repeated more often than the others until he awoke with gasp. She wondered if he knew of the words he grumbled in his sleep or if he was blissfully unaware….

He fell behind as they passed the Old Trail Town museum, allowing Tess to take the apex whilst he fell into step to the left hand side of Ellie. It was a tactical move on his part, to have the younger woman to his right at all times. For her to step up and act as his ears in the shortfall of his own hearing.

The soundlessness lasted for a few more beats. The quiet squeaks of leather rhythmic with the movement of their steeds only seemed to burn the young woman’s ears.

Should she say something? To let him know that she could sense his trepidations and that she thought he was doing the right thing? That she would do exactly the same if it were Dina?

Ellie glanced down at the hand she had rested against her thigh, a frown forming as she focused on the two missing fingers. She’d do the same for him too… had done the same for him in some respect. Leaving everything behind to avenge him, not that she could do it whilst she had the opportunity in her grasps, allowing the enemy to slip through her fingers like fine grains of sand. It wasn’t revenge this time though… there was more meaning to this journey- and the one in front. A journey to save rather than kill. The words she spoke fifteen years ago still stood true as she reflected back on them, I’ll follow you anywhere you go…

She glanced back up at him then, just watching as he rode oblivious to her stare, lost within his own mind.

“Hey, Joel?”

She observed him blink as her voice penetrated whatever stupor he had found himself in, “Mhm?”

Her expression pinched, hoping that it was concern that she portrayed than anything else, “You doing okay?”

“M’fine.”

The word seemed to catch on to his accent, being drawn out by the southern drawl. It was a lie. She could read the man like an open book. The way his shoulders sagged, the permanent scowl etched into his expression and a hopelessness prominent in those familiar brown eyes. There was nothing ‘fine’ about him and yet she wouldn’t have expected him to respond any differently… Knowing that she’d have to eek the truth out from him slowly and even then there was no guarantee. She had tried to learn from Ava, how to get him to spill but she remained to be the only master of it- being the only person out there brave enough to have pushed all his buttons enough to understand the consequences of each one.

She’d still make a hearty attempt, though, “Just that you’ve been mumbling in your sleep again and that you’re awful quiet…”

“Have I ever been full of conversation?”

“Well, no but still-”

“I said I’m fine.” His tone turning abrupt as well as agitated.

Ellie let out a sigh. One that was almost in defeat… almost. Her voice treaded gently, all warm and reassuring as to not provoke him any further, “This is going to work, Joel…I-I can feel it.”

His focus dropped to where his fists gripped ahold of the reins, staring harshly for a few seconds as if to fight off the opposing thoughts before he glanced back towards her. She smiled small as his eyes met hers and just for a brief moment, he softened. The creases of his skin smoothing out and he just looked… tired.

She’d forget sometimes, just how old he had gotten. She was convinced that he’d often forget himself, still acting no differently to the man she met whilst he was still in his late forties. His young family certainly helped in that regard, his fresh start happening so late on in his life that it seemed to capture and maintain some of that youth so he could enjoy his second chance at living to the fullest.

But in that moment, as the stress of his circ*mstances ate away at his weary soul, his sixty odd years on this earth became so very apparent. His lips didn’t quite twitch into a smile but she could sense the gratitude for her efforts of comfort radiating off of him. A ‘thank you’ silently given to his eldest living daughter and a ‘no problem’ returned to her father in the form of a subtle nod.

The wholesome moment of silent understanding cut short as her head snapped to the right at the sound of tumbling furniture and erratic flailing. The gut sinking noises reverberating from behind the old museum doors and into their bones. Ellie turned back towards Joel, their eyes spreading wide and urgent as a series of spine-chilling screeches echoed around them.

The three of them heaved their horses back to a halt, listening intently as the ruckus mellowed into a lull. They glanced between one another, deciphering in silence as to what their next calculated move should be.

Their telepathic conversations grinding to an abrupt standstill as the sound of an old heavy yet rickety door creaked open. Ellie’s eyes followed, observing in slow motion as the museum door swung open and a creature resembling that of her nightmares ambled out with a strong limp.

She could feel her stuttering breath catch in her chest, as if her lungs had grown a thousand tiny barriers preventing the air from passing through. The dripping blood, rotting flesh, split skull and chattering of foul calcareous incisors as it sniffed at the fresh air for traces of untainted blood… and then from behind where it stood, still submerged within the shadows, an unsettling series of…

Click, click, click…

Chapter 9: Wherever You Go

Chapter Text

Click click click

Joel could feel the oxygen thickening within the column of his throat, his head following Ellie's perturbed and intense stare. He knew those noises, knew them exceptionally well. Thirty five years he had lived and survived this new world and still to this very day, the hairs of his neck would stand on end at the sound of those guttural croaks.

Dealing with infected in and around Jackson was one thing. Himself and the patrols knew the whole area like the back of their hands, every nook and cranny accounted for and mapped out on their checks. The routes were also cleared weekly at the very least, some on a daily basis even, which wouldn't allow a build up of the diseased to collect. It was just as Tommy once described it- a turkey shoot and it was rare for them to be taken by surprise.

But this was unexplored land, an uncharted territory full of dilapidated buildings and many small crevices. It was a totally different ball game. He could hear his blood thrum through his veins as he silently reached for his pistol.

One by one, more and more half decomposed figures emerged from within the museums structure, a cloud of spores swirling from behind and its incriminating particles being carried away by the gentle breeze. Each one jerking and stuttering as they tried to place where they had heard the commotion of life from outside the doors.

He whipped back around to address both Ellie and Tess. The look in both their tense eyes only reflected the same event that had come back to haunt him. Boise.

The guttural screaming, the throaty clicks and sound of many feet thundering against the hard terrain echoed closer around him. A minute perhaps, that's all he had left. His sand clock quickly running out... Each push to his horse had her backing up, head so high to evade the bit and spindly legs tripping over themselves as she hopped in protest. The whites of her usually so calm eyes so very visible from his seat, the intense fear exuding off the animal increasing with each passing second. It's own terror overpowering the poor mares mind to make the coherent decision to run.

...

First impact thudded against the mare, gnashing teeth and grievous claws slashing into the tender flesh of animals flank as the clicker frantically searched for the human tissue it craved, biting down on anything in its path.

Joel blinked away the haunting recollection, unable to allow himself to picture the moment his beloved and trusted mare perished so brutally beneath him in a pool of her own blood and innards. Swallowing down the memory of that brief passing moment where in which he almost waved his crumpled white flag of defeat, accepting that his fate would follow that of his horse in the upcoming seconds ahead. How Ava was the sole reason he was even still alive to tell the tale... He had been beyond furious at the time, that she would risk her own life in such away without a second thought. The rumination of his spiteful words and rough hands that followed the incident had caused the bile to rise in his throat on numerous occasions. He'd kissed her and sung his gratitude a thousand times over since then, thankful that she had done what she did to get his beaten ass out of that sticky predicament.

He lifted his index finger slowly, pressing it firmly to his lips as he glanced between the two women that accompanied him. They both responded with cautious small nods, signalling that they both understood the importance of silence in that moment. How one miscalculated move could result in them being swarmed within seconds.

Clenching his jaw, Joel scanned their surroundings, seeking out every possible escape route. The most ideal scenario being that the creatures lose interest and filter back inside the building that they had infiltrated, leaving the trio with a few seconds to swiftly exit the area undetected.

But the horses became restless, bored of standing so statue still for so long. It was nothing dramatic, no picture worthy rears or loud mighty neighs but it was just enough to attract the attention back to them. A low unimpressed snort sounding from Shimmers nostrils and the thump of one impatient hoof against the solid dusty ground.

He could feel his breath catch and cling to the fleshy fibres of his lungs, his wide-eyed glare moving from Ellie's panicked and remorseful expression to where the threat resided. Each of their mutilated and grotesque mugs snapping to attention with a series of targeted snarls and screeches as their still humanoid bodies began to flail and scramble towards them.

It was a snappy action in the moment as both Ellie and Tess remained momentarily frozen in place, his arm flying out and fingers squeezing around the trigger of his pistol. A round of bullets targeting those that gained upon them.

His voice scraped his throat as he yelled out, "f*ckin' move!"

And move they did. Clickers were quick but the horses were faster. Pushing and pushing, they were left with no choice but to open their animals up through the dormant streets of Cody. Hooves clattering loudly against the solid concrete surface doing nothing but to attract further attention. Infected of all shapes and sizes spilled out from the array of derelict, crumbling structures. More and more mutilated bodies pooling together to join the chase.

One handed, Joel rode at a frantic gallop. Glancing over his shoulder every few seconds to take a not-so-accurate aim before firing off another round of bullets with the hope that it would at least make a marginal difference. He noted how Tess was on very much the same wave length, her revolver also on display as she reached out behind herself with Ellie being quick to follow.

"We gotta ditch the horses, Joel!" Tess called out, a dire tone presenting itself.

It was logical for their cause, he knew that. Of course it was, it came from Tess... but the thought unsettled him. The idea that he would be subjecting these animals to the same fate as Red, "Can't leave 'em behind, Tess. They're need for the patrols!"

He met her eyes then, and he knew that she was reading him like an open book. Page for page, word for word. He could see a flicker of empathy flash momentarily across her expression, how her mind became cautious of her next words, "They'll be fine and we'll come back for them but right now, they're drawing all the attention to us."

There was a moment of silence before Joel found himself nodding his agreement with a grumbled and still slightly reluctant 'okay'. Tess mimicked the bob of his head and he could see the cogs of her mind beginning to rotate as her eyes mapped out their surroundings, "How far are we from the radio tower?"

Ellie had been looking after the map, her breathless voice joining in on their bumpy conversation as they continued to steam their way through the city's suburbs, "It's about a mile out, west way."

"Okay" She processed, "and where is our nearest covered area. I'm thinking woodland- anywhere with trees-"

Joel cottoned onto her idea almost instantly, they'd completed a similar manoeuvre many years ago when caught up in a predicament not to different from the one that they found themselves currently in. There was one big difference however that he wasn't entirely sure that Tess was taking into consideration... their age, "I ain't doin' no damn tuck n' roll stunts! There's no way in hell I'd bounce like I used to!"

"Ain't asking you to launch yourself from your f*cking horse!" She chastised, "Look, we can aim for the lower branches, grab at them as the horses go under and haul ourselves up. These f*ckers should then carry on following the horses whilst we sit tight in the trees until they pass."

It was a good plan, would even lead this continuously increasing horde out of and away from the city completely if they looped round and headed back towards the reservoir but still, it was the lack of confidence in his own physical ability that had him deterred, "Tess, I'm sixty f*ckin' three. I ain't hauling my ass up some goddamn tree quick enough to get outta this!"

"Then what do you suggest we do?" Tess snapped back.

Tensions had begun to rise in the events of a plan not being agreed upon.

"f*ck it." His tone almost a frustrated growl, "We'll split. You n' Ellie head back towards tree cover, hopefully most will follow. I'll sort somethin' else out for myself. Meet me back on the outskirts of the west side."

"Split?" He could hear Ellie's voice almost shrill piercing into his left ear.

Her voice followed by Tess's disapproving tone at his ill planned idea, "That's f*cking stupid, Joel. We don't f*cking split- you've done this sh*t long enough to know that!"

"Then I'm fresh outta f*ckin' ideas!"

The urgency in Ellie's tone pierced through the thick atmosphere. A stark reminder that no amount of civil tension would be enough warn off the tailing threat. That they wouldn't ever flag or grow weary unlike the animals beneath them, that these creatures had a one tracked mind, not programmed to need rest. Something that was perhaps oblivious to the bickering duo, but becoming very evident as the infected began to close the gap between them, "Uhh..guys!"

Joel dragged his glower off of Tess, his focus snapping over his shoulder for a glimpse of what was behind. The snarls, croaks and shrieks suddenly sounding that fraction of an amount closer, "sh*t."

His eyes fell back onto the woman who had been his partner for so many years in his past, his discontent contorting into a soundless plea. A plea for her to think of something in this moment, she always thought of something. His own ideas capping off at turning around and trying to outrun them- a plan that would take them miles away from their destination.

He watched as her mind raced, the way she chewed on the dry skin of her bottom lip and glanced around herself, "Either of you ever seen infected swim?"

"No...One jumped in after me whilst I was up in Washington... it drowned." Ellie responded.

Something in Joel's mind clicked, something he'd actually realised many years ago but had pushed to the back of his mind. It was a statement rather a question, "Infected can't swim."

He snorted as a small relieved smirk tugged to Tess's face, that smug little look she'd get when she'd land on something efficient and as close to fool proof as possible lighting up her expression, "No... but horses can..."

He allowed his expression to mirror hers, a small weight of the acute stress being removed from his shoulders as he called back to Ellie, "You followin', kiddo?"

"Still trying to become fluent in whatever secret language it is you guys speak but I'm guessing that you wanna take the horses for a swim?" A grin widened across her face as she pointed out towards a block of dilapidated buildings ahead, "Take the next left and keep heading west for... I dunno...quarter of a mile maybe, there should be a river just up from there. If we can cross that, we won't be far from where we need to be!"

———————————————————————

True to her words, the river was very much there and present. It's glistening current dragging its continuous flow of liquid downstream and the sound of water crashing against the embankments was all too inviting in light of the savage uproar catching up behind them.

There was not even a second of hesitation as Joel sharply dug his heels into Blaze's sides with a hurried growl, a deep rumble of a sound that kept his steed pushing forward as it took its leap from the waters edge.

The salty sweat of his brow washed away within an instant as the cool foamy splash of his dive splattered up and over, soaking him through. There was a moment of solace as he heard the others crash into the water behind him, his own legs submerged beneath its cold embrace as he eyed up the line of infected that all but skidded to a halt at the edge of the embankment. They were safe- for now at least.

He continued to push blaze forward, leaning forward in his saddle to help aid the animals climb back to dry land. As soon as he was assured that they were sure footed, he wasted no time in swinging himself down from the geldings back to all but collapse down onto the grassy verge with his drinks canister to hand.

"Well that certainly made up for the easiness of the last couple of days." Tess strained as she dropped down beside him, her eyes still trained on the opposite side of the river where some of the horde could be seen to begin losing interest.

Joel snorted, dragging a palm down over his eyes, "Hm. Somethin' like that..."

He glanced up to his right at the faint sound of a quickening pitter-patter to find Ellie stood nearby, wringing out the hem of her t-shirt with an accomplished grin to her lips, "At least we'll dry out quickly..."

"Ah, so now ya don't mind travellin' through the summer." His smirk turned into a light chuckle as he observed the roll of her eyes. She might be almost thirty with a family all of her own but in times like this, when they became this little close unit, he'd still see her as the little girl he saved all those years ago.

Ellie sighed, one that sounded a little too similar to his own for his liking before offering him a defeated little smile, "Yeah, well... I guess it does have some perks..."

—————————————————————

They travelled by foot from that point onwards, with only a miles walk remaining to achieve their journey, they left their horses safely grazing beside the rivers edge.

Tess adjusted the strap of her backpack, pulling it up to sit more comfortably over her sore shoulders, “Well, I’m real f*cking glad that this tower isn’t in the centre of the city…”

“Ditto,” Ellie agreed, “They weren’t kidding when they said this place was infested…”

Joel could feel his mood begin to sour, his previous discussion with Tommy coming back into mind.

‘Place is a f*ckin’ death trap.’

Yeah… it still was…He could only hope that the tower was a more positive matter. Suddenly a harsh, consuming wave of second hand fear washed over him… a sickening sense of guilt for if he did not return. A sudden and certain awareness that Ava would blame herself for if he didn’t make it home alive, that the guilt would eat her up alive much like it had done with him when Sarah had died. That she would spend the remainder of her short months left in anguish… and then what about Lily? Growing up as an orphan….

He ground down on his teeth, scowling at his own thoughts as he walked. He couldn’t think like that… he couldn’t choose between his wife and his daughter- it simply wasn’t fair. Refusing to do anything would be a sure death sentence for Ava, at least this way he created the chance of a future where she still existed, provided the possibility of his little girl being able to grow up with both of her parents for a little while longer yet.

His deep thoughts had carried him away, unaware of the presence that had sidled up to his right hand side until he jolted at the unexpected touch.

“Woah, chill. S’just me.” Ellie scoffed, her mouth forming a sudden ‘O’ upon realising what side she’d approached, “sh*t… my bad.”

She grinned for a moment, “Here, maybe I could keep an eye out for one of those hearing aid thingy’s- might help.”

He co*cked a brow at her, unamused.

“I’m being serious.” A small giggle left her lips, “Hey, could make it your Christmas present for this year.”

“You are the epitome of unserious…” Joel snorted in return.

“I’ll even see if I can find one with the volume dials so you can turn it down when Ava starts nagging at you.” Ellie’s eyes gleamed with a bold confidence whilst her grin tugged into a knowing smirk as he stared at her wide eyed.

It was a proper laugh that escaped her this time, “Yeah, I’ve seen what you do. How when she starts to complain about something, you turn so your right ear is facing her- you’re not that slick, old man!”

“sh*t.” He chuckled lightly; caught out, “Now don’t you go tellin’ her that. We’ll end up spinnin’ around in damn circles every time she moans about my washin’ up.”

“Hmm… and what do I get in return for keeping your not very discreet little secret?” Her voice full of jest as she winked.

Joel shook his head with an amused huff; beneath the coat of trauma, she really hadn’t changed one bit and he basked in these moments where she appeared light and at ease. They were becoming more and more frequent again, a fact that settled his worried mind, “How ‘bout, I baby sit JJ for you one evenin’ so you n’ Dina can have a night off? Can start teachin’ him how to play the guitar or somethin’? Would that keep your damn trap shut?”

“Hmm, you drive a hard bargain there, Miller… but you got yourself a deal.” The grin on her face then softened into a warm smile, her tone gentle, “I think he’d really like that…”

He smiled back, only to notice hers fall. There was a motive to her initiating a discussion, one that wasn’t about humorously manipulating him into baby sitting. He could see it in the way her brows pinched and eyes averted his own- there was something on her mind, something she wanted to say.

He didn’t push, allowing the silence to wash over them until she found the words.

There was a small huff before she started, “I…I’ve been thinking about Ava… and about what we’re doing…and I do think that something will come of it, Joel- I do.”

Joel wetted his lips, all lightness and ease suddenly evaporating, “I’m sensin’ a but…”

She looked at him then, her deep hazel eyes burning a hole into his own, “but… we don’t know where this will end up taking us… You could be gone for months… it might even take months just for us to even get a response…”

He could feel his temper rising for some unknown reason, perhaps for the fact that she’s forced him to properly acknowledge these potentials when he was all too happy to shove them down. He didn’t mean to come across as cold and as harshly as he did, “So what are you tryin’ t’say, Ellie?”

She spoke slowly, cautiously as if not to provoke the demons he was so clearly battling with beneath the surface, “I’m saying that in addition to all this… that perhaps you should consider alternative ways…”

“f*ckin’ alternative-” He snorted defiantly, the disbelieving smirk only lasting for a brief second before falling flat, his nostrils flaring, “Don’t ya think I’ve already considered all that. Near held the f*ckin’ doc hostage in the process. There ain’t no-”

Ellie cut him off, knowing that the only way to get him to shut up and listen was to match his own unwavering demeanour, “Cannabis.”

It caught him off guard, the snarl dropping from his face, “What?”

“Cannabis,” She repeated with a small nod, “Back when me and Cat were…uh, yeah… Sh-she had this book… and it was all about the different benefits that it had.” She paused a beat, ensuring that he was still engaged, still listening, “There was a small section in that book that talked about how research was taking place to prove that cannabis can help treat cancer…”

She could see him pondering it, his mind processing the information- it clearly not being something that he thought to consider previously and then he fell flat- much like the way he used to in the past.

“Yeah well… they didn’t get to finish that research, did they?” It wasn’t a question, more so a statement.

Ellie held his glower, her brows raising to confirm her seriousness, “There were success stories.”

“It’s drugs Ellie. No.”

She couldn’t help but scoff, flashbacks of the times where she would arrive back from school early to hear Ava giggling over something he’d said behind a closed door with the distinct aroma of weed thick in the air coming to mind. Even Tess choked a laugh at his sudden dismissiveness - clearly Joel had dabbled in substances that would once have been considered illegal years prior to herself entering the scene.

He scowled at them both.

“Oh come on, Joel. You were sh*t at hiding it. Probably just as sh*t as I was,” Ellie snorted, “you guys smoking it wasn’t a problem back then, so why is it now?”

“sh*t makes you paranoid…” He grumbled, his brows furrowing with his fists now stuffed into the front pockets of his jeans.

“Yeah well, you’re both already paranoid as f*ck without the weed, so what difference is it gonna make?” She planted the seed and she knew Joel well enough to know that he’d need to mull it over fully before budging his stubborn ass and so she wrapped the debate up, “just think about it, yeah? For Ave…”

He didn’t look at her, eyes trained to the ground with the same scowl painted over his expression. His response only going as far as to be rough grunt… but it wasn’t an outright ‘no’, which was good enough for Ellie.

“Hey, guys?” Tess’s voice broke through the small amount of silence, both of their attentions snapping up towards her.

She stood a few feet ahead, her arm directed out in front of her as she gestured towards a tall structure situated on the hill ahead, “Think this is it.”

—————————————————————————

It was the mast itself that Tess had so rightly pointed out and a sense of anxiousness settled within his stomach. This was it, this is where he needed to be. This stupid tower and ridiculous mast that held the fate of his wife’s future is it’s- it’s- well… not palms… radio towers don’t have palms.

He shook the off-track thought loose as they edged closer. It was the transmitter that he needed to reach, a device that was hopefully stored in the building beneath rather than on the metal structure itself. He tried not to think about the possibility of the transmitter being stolen- not that it technically belonged to anyone anymore for it to be considered as stolen but still…

They grouped together just out the front, taking a moment to reload their firearms and to ensure that any other weapons they possessed were easily obtainable. The three of them so diligently preparing both physically and mentally for the worse case scenario.

Joel looked between them, rifle gripped and pointing towards the ground, brows raised in anticipation, “Ready?”

Tess gave a confident nod, “Ellie, you stay to his right at all times- you are his ears. I’ll bring up the back.” She then smiled wickedly at him, “Joel, you just do what you do best: shoot any damn thing that moves.”

Inside the building was dim, even with the bottom floor windows being smashed in, the towering structure above did well at blocking out most of the natural light. As a result flash lights were drawn.

They walked gingerly, each step calculated and deliberate as they scanned the walls and floors ahead with the white spot lights emitted from their torches.

It was everywhere… the place covered from floor to ceiling with thick blackened vines that spidered tendrils all over the walls.

Joel swallowed thickly, teeth chewing on the insides of his cheek as he carefully studied the mycological branches and shoots that surrounded them. He shared a knowing look with Tess, one she had seen plenty of times before: he wanted to take a closer look.

He gave her a deliberate nod whilst holding a singular splayed palm out towards Ellie, one that asked her to temporarily stay back.

Proceeding forward a few careful steps, he crouched down beside a considerably beefy tendril that trailed from the concrete of the ground and up. He investigated it with his eyes first, looking for any traces of moisture before then prodding it with the barrel of his rifle. There was nothing to suggest that it was living, nothing seeping out from within as he applied a little more pressure to create a rupture and not even the sensation of sponginess that he would have expected.

Joel straightened back up, the nose of his gun still poised towards it as he kicked the toe of his boot into its stem. It all but disintegrated beneath him and a breath of relief finally escaped.

Before confirming his findings, he took another step to his left. The larger scions looked much like the first, safe to assume that they were no longer feeding anything but there was still a remaining caution of the smaller, newer looking tendrils that sprouted. With his attention deliberately studying the wall, his attention was piqued by one that still harboured a small amount of colour.

He glanced back towards his two partners before acting, a simple gesture given for them to keep a careful watch of all entrances and exits in the room, just in case his next actions were to set off a chain of sequences that alerts any unwanted company to their presence.

With his focus fixated back onto the faded grey-blue growth, he pulled the switch knife from his pocket, his grip hovering over the spindly vine whilst debating the best area to slice into. Not that it really mattered, he decided as he sunk its blade into the main shoot. It all but crumbled into a fine powder beneath the pressure and a small snort puffed out from his nostrils, “S’all burnt out.”

He turned his body back to face them, stuffing the knife back into its designated pocket, “Should still keep our wits about us, though. M’sure we can all remember Boston’s museum well enough…”

Ellie nodded whilst Tess snorted with some bitter grin to her face, of course she remembers the singular, pivotal moment that ended up repaving her future.

“So, do we know where this transmitter is located?” Ellie queried lowly.

Joel tweaked his head from side to side… something he probably should’ve thought to ask Tommy but he could make an educated guess, “Well I’m guessin’ it would be as close to the mast as possible for the best signal…”

“So top floor then?” Tess added.

He nodded, “Reckon so, yeah.”

“Bet your knees are glad that there are only three, huh Joel?” The younger of the three quipped as she moved to rejoin their decided formation.

“Damn right.” He snorted lowly. If he was honest with himself, the way Tommy had made it sound, he was expecting a building that more resembled a light house with many floors. It was a welcome surprise that it was just three sets of stairs that he’d have to tackle.

————————————————————————

The first two floors were easy, uneventful even. They moved soundlessly, with every sense on high alert and yet not a single sound was emitted from anywhere outside of the almost silent pads of their boots against the ground.

Joel gulped back his lack of cardiovascular fitness as he reached the top of the third floor, holding his breath to prevent the inevitable wheeze that would escape if he didn’t. Ellie smirked knowingly as she moved passed him, quiet mutters of “old man” leaving her lips as she did, fully intending for him to hear.

“Gob-sh*te,” He grumbled back, lightly kicking at her ankles.

The corridor was fairly short, the upper floor only consisting of two separate rooms that stood opposite to one another.

“Which one, Joel?” Tess asked as they stood between the two doors, “I’d say it’s a fifty-fifty chance of finding what you’re after.”

He nodded whilst looking between the two partitions before motioning for both Ellie and Tess to take a step back. He chose the door to his left for no other reason than he could hear better from that side. Edging closer, he pressed his ear to the hardwood and listened out for any noises coming from within. Silence. He went to tug the handle as a result but then thought better of it, choosing to instead rap his knuckles against the partition as an extra precaution before again listening in. Still nothing.

With his breath still trapped within his lungs he took the plunge, rotating the leaver and pushing the wooden panel open into the room. There wasn’t even a beat for him to release that breath before a singular stalker burst out from within the darkness, lunging towards whatever target it had locked onto.

Joel thrashed around at the sound of a surprised yelp. Tess.

The creature threw its full weight into her, sending them both flying backwards and through the opposite door. She landed on her back with a sickening thud, the mutated beast toppling down over her. They both grappled, with Tess using her full strength to press her forearm into its throat, doing everything in her power to prevent its gnashing teeth from sinking into her flesh.

It all happened so quickly and he could swear on his daughters grave that he heard nothing from within the walls of that damned room. Joel swung the barrel of his rifle around ready to take a swift aim, but Ellie was quicker.

A singular gun shot rang out before all descended back into silence. Both him and Ellie sharing a wide eyed look as they waited- anticipated the swarm of chaos that the reverberating sound of gun fire was sure to bring. But Joel counted slowly to ten; seven….eight…nine…ten… and still, nothing.

That breath he had held onto had finally released as his focus dropped to Tess. Her startled blood splattered stare already on him as she tried to regulate her breathing some before eventually shoving the heavy limp body off of her.

“You good?” Joel asked cautiously, his brow arched and a double meaning to his question as he refrained from rushing to her aid.

She nodded, still on her back whilst pulling down her collar to show her bite clear skin and then rolling up the sleeves of her arms to do the same. It was only then he approached with his arm held out as an offering.

An offering Tess gladly accepted as she gripped her hold whilst using his weight to haul herself back up. Quietly muttering, “f*cking things…”

“Hey, Joel?” Ellie’s voice called out from within the room that Tess had not so gracefully fallen into, “Is this what you’re looking for?”

He glanced over to where she was stood, taking a few steps forward to join her side and take a look at what she was pointing at. A large black box containing a number of buttons and dials. Bingo.

“Sure is.” He tugged her back so he could get a closer look, lowering himself to be eye level with the array of options before shrugging his rucksack from his shoulder. He delved into his front pocket to retrieve a small scrap of paper, his focus flickering back and forth from the scribbles and the transmitter.

“How do you know what frequency to use?” Ellie asked and it was a valid question.

“Back in Boston,” He started, his fingers still pressing various buttons on the machine, “This is how me n’ Tommy used to communicate. There was this guy who had a whole set up n’ explained it all to me once.”

Twisting one final dial, he leant back on his heels with an almost accomplished look to his face as it began to crackle to life, “Told me that to get a message out to as many people as possible, you gotta use the eighty-eight hundred n’ eight megahertz frequency as that’s how most receivers are programmed…”

He glanced up to his left to see that Tess had now joined his side, she nodded towards it, “You got what you need to say, Texas?”

Joel offered her a confident smile before pulling the small microphone to his chin,

“I don’t know if anyone is out there… but uh, I sure hope someone is. M’lookin’ to trade… willin’ to travel however far to close a deal. Looking for either chemo or… or” his brows knitted together whilst trying to remember how Dr Zhao pronounced it, “hy..hydro-oxy-carb…carbamide pills… if, umm, if anyone’s hearin’ this and has either in surplus then name your terms. There ain’t nothin’ that’s too much…” A small shameful chuckle escaped him, “m’pretty f*ckin’ desperate…”

Vacantly staring into the dials in front of him, he lowered the microphone, allowing himself to sit back against the wall and swallow thickly.

“Done?” Tess asked.

He simply nodded, allowing a moment for the heavy burdening weight to be lifted from his chest.

Ellie slipped down beside him, her elbow lightly nudging his arm, “So what now?”

“Now… we go home and we wait…” He confirmed, rolling his shoulders back.

Her eyes didn’t stray from him, “How long do we wait?”

Joel shrugged, eyes dropping to focus on his hands that rested on his lap, “Now we’ve cleared a route, m’plannin’ on travellin’ up once a week to check for any responses…”

“I’m coming with you.” She didn’t falter, her decision made without even having to think twice.

He let out a deep sigh, “Ellie…”

“You can’t stop me… someone’s gotta make sure you make it back in one piece. You are my old man, after all. M’kinda responsible for you now that your practically geriatric.” There was no deterring her, he knew that much and so instead his lips tugged into an almost invisible smile, one that only she could read.

“And then…” She started, his mouth curving that little bit more as she rolled her head against his shoulder before continuing on, “when we do get a response, and we know what we need and where we gotta go… we’ll do it together. No matter if it’s Canada, Antarctica…” a bright toothy grin full of hope spread across her freckled cheeks and for a brief passing moment she morphed back into that fourteen year old little girl, “or even the f*cking moon.”

He chuckled, the type that was low, hearty and rumbled through the chest but then his face fell once more. He couldn’t ask that of her, not again. He knew the monstrosities of these types of journeys all to well… twice now, he had been forced to sit back and watch the horrors of this world torture her beyond recognition. He couldn’t allow that to happen to his baby girl again… he went to open his mouth but was cut short by the earnestness of her expression and the sparkling glint of loyalty and love in her eyes.

Her voice was small as she repeated those same words she had told him now fifteen years ago, “I’ll follow you anywhere you go, remember?”